not your cup of tea (venting)

.silly.letters.

i just want to write down a draft, on what i want to say when i cave in completely.

dear #### #########,

im sorry that i couldnt keep happy for you and im sorry that you'll never see me smile. i wish i couldve made that dream where you saw me smile happen but, i dont know how to handle life anymore. im sorry that i grew more depressed when i first declared my love for you a year ago. i grew depressed when you left where it all started, i missed you there so much that it took a hard toll on me. and that when im gone i hope you find somebody who made you happier. somebody who you could hug and cuddle and call princess or prince as much as you needed. and ill be happy for you when you find the replacement for me. its not you thats making me go away for good, its me. it really is me, and i know that you can understand why. i told you a lot about whats happened in my past and leading events to my mental downfall. and another rose that i couldnt handle. im caving in and, i just wish you were there to say goodnight to me when i sleep forever. but all i ask when you find out what happens to me is smile, i want you to be happy that im happier where i went because the pain for me is over. but it went to everyone else who still cares about me. why do you think i was making so much for you? i want you to feel the affection i cant give when im gone, all of it. all the love i have for you. i just, ran out of time. i know it horrifies you to know im hurting myself. and im sorry i hurt myself again.

reasons why i want to go :
everything is a greyscale, boring and old. not flattering and interesting
people are cruel, and mean. only a few are nice like you sweetheart. well soon you wont be mine anymore but. somebody elses.
those past memories hurt, i cant handle anymore of this.

why should i stay? i know i changed the course of your life only to dissapear because of my selfish need to breathe something that made me feel alive again. i wish i couldve at least heard your voice again, but that wont happen. im sorry that i wont be around to say goodnight again or say i love you.
just remember i do and always will
its the one thing you cant tell me not to do.
im sorry for causing you pain. forgive me i love you

your broken knight,
tomcat.

p.s.
i . i love you