not your cup of tea (venting)

.aheaheh.

im just delusional.
and out of my mind arent i.
i dont understand the simplest of words.
im lost.
and broken.
unfixable
disgusting mess.
nobody wants to deal with me thats why they leave.
i dream of a shoulder i can physically cry into.
and to show the person the world i see and the world i want to live in.
the world i see
is full of greed and selfishness
the world i want to see
is where
love is shown different ways.
and theres nothing to lust over.
money is worthless, and we dont need it.
a world where im
not alone.
where i can talk to someone who understands.
someone who doesnt mind how hysterical and m a d i can be.
and listen.
and understand.
because they feel almost the same.
ive only felt love through words.
i want to know what love feels like through a different way,
no not sexually, please what am i? a hoe?
physically.
a hug, a carress of my hair.
just affection.
i can read. but i cant hear properly.
i cant see well.
i can only feel okay.
feel properly.
i want to feel love that way.
with a hug.
to feel loved that way.
but
i wont last that long.
i cant.
not that long.
ill feel alone.
for years if i dont end it.
i can hug pillows but they wont hug back.
i feel like crying.
its the comfort i have at my disposal.
my other comfort isnt here now.
maybe not anymore.
i see a blurry world with hills and hills of horror, a bloody mess.
i want to see a different world.
where the hills are untouched and beautiful.
the sky is sprinkled with stars, burning so brightly.
and the atmosphere of safety hindering in the air.
ill see that world soon,
let me go to that sweet haven.
thats all i could ask for,