not your cup of tea (venting)

heaven to me. hell for you.

what is it like to die.
maybe you asked that before
well maybe
but you never know the answer because those who know what its like are dead.
unless you dream it
dreams are so vivid
sometimes
that is
it could feel different to anybody
the death could be in many ways
ahah.
but for me
any death is perfect
because thats all i want now
i dont know if i need it
to others
maybe not
but it feels like
they dont want to be at fault for a young suicide.

my suicide
.
nobody is at fault
when i muster up that courage
to actually face the painless aftermath of a sin so bad that
ill
be in hell for it.
but i dont believe in anything.
where will i go
will i still suffer
i dont know.
i just
i dont know why dying in those dreams felt so nice.
everything was quiet
just the way i wanted it to be
no more yelling
no more cursing
no more telling me to die.
no more scolding.
everything
quiet
everything was still
i could see the people panicking over my body
dripping with little
blood
thin layer of skin and cracked bones
i couldnt feel that pain
some
people just dont understand
how calming
it feels.
thinking that there will be an endless void of fear
but
to me
i want it
i am
nothing
why would i fear what i am surrounding me.
for the rest of my after life.
im so used to myself being so dead in emotion, and insane in the head.
why would i be scared

it looks like torture to you maybe
but
its pleasant

i hate me
but
i wish i didnt
why cant i pull myself together
and love myself just for a little.
im the only one who cant
forgive me.

i only did bad to me but ill do horrible to everyone when i do what i wanted
to do now

everything given to me will be wasted, except pills, a blade, and a blanket.

pills to numb.
a blade to cut.
and a blanket to manifest a hug that i havent felt in years.

i dont need food, i dont even feel the pain of the lack of it anymore. just little spurts of feelings
ahah

i feel so tired
and i stopped frowning when i cry
i smile
it feels wonderful to cry
cool tears to cancel out the heat on my face
nice.
i started crying to sleep again
nothing feels better

if there is, then i havent felt it
maybe i never will
i wont live that long
i dont know when ill start writing that letter
only one person is recieving it

i dont want to break them
but
they'd still break no matter what.
right?
they would acknowledge it.
h o p e f u l l y

maybe they wont be too busy and.
leave the letter sitting for those days
and only realize
that im not there anymore
to say goodnight
ever again.
can i give that up?
can i?
ill break more when i do
what do i do.
you're going to shatter me and you havent even said anything. im so weak
can i give up telling you much i love you?
can i give up showing somebody the love i have to give?
can i?
can i?
i cant.
what do i do
i want the pain to go away
but it wont
it keeps coming

i have the blade and blanket
wheres the pills
i dont have any
i want it to be numb when i die
i want it to be painless
im
already mentally gone
i cant think properly and i havent eaten for a few days.
i dont want to go to school
its just another few pounds on this bench press of life
i give up
im never going to be good
or right
just always wrong
i cant smile for you
those dreams, those thoughts you had of finally meeting me after all these months and if i last, years of waiting and planning.
is it still worth seeing someone
fall apart
over you?
im so lost
i cant ask you directly
could i.
i dont think i could
if you did read this stuff
you would only answer in your head
i know that.

im so gone
crying is like alcohol but painful and sweet.
it hurts in the begginning
but you gradually
start to love the feeling
and you go numb
and want it to stay that way
aha.

i cant think of the future
it doesnt exist
mine doesnt
i
i dont know
i cant think
i want to talk to somebody
somebody i know
somebody that knows already whats wrong
somebody i can talk to that i cant lose
somebody that i can hug

but theres nobody who fits that.
all those who come so close miss that last bar.
i cant hug anybody
i cant handle it

you're sharp enough, you'll do for now until i find dad's box of unused blades.
im so sorry for letting you be stained with my disgusting negative blood.