not your cup of tea (venting)

slowly but surely dying

:)

it would feel really bad
to know that those who did bad but did good haunted the world forever
a person did so much good but took their own life
how great would it be
to hear
"finally they're dead, i was so tired of them."
"they finally killed themselves! drinks are on me!"
if that was how it was
does it matter if i died
if i live, its still hell
if i die, i break someone but breaking me even more
it would make me feel better
to know i was left by the one i loved for someone else
at least someone is there to keep them warm
while i leave them the last little unfinished gifts i had for them
before taking the easy way out
"kill yourself
whore
slut
rapist
bitch
piece of shit
retard"
oh if you could look me in the eyes right now and tell me that i was worth it and that you cared for reason that wasnt corny
id still die
i'm so
tired of people and everything
someone knocked my glasses off today
someone told me to kill myself today
the more you say
you'll hunt them down
makes you as much a horrible person
as they are
but never as horrible as me
somebody please
i wish to be happy for
i keep seeing things
they're so fast
im paranoid
mom
dad
brother
somebody
make it stop
run me over so i can see who's terrorizing me
and tell them to remove me from the plane of existance
"think about the future."
of the suffering ill have, that im lying every single day of my fucking life! I DONT WANT ANYMORE I DONT WANT TO FUCKING LIE
BUT IT WONT STOP IT CANT STOP I WANT IT TO END MAKE IT STOP PLEASE IM SO TIRED OF CRYING EVERY NIGHT AGAIN IM SO TIRED OF HAVING TO JERK UP AND STARE AT WHERE I LAST LEFT THE BLADE, TAKE IT ALL AWAY
TAKE ALL THINGS SHARP AWAY FROM ME
make me blind and deaf before i die
i dont want to feel anything when i die
i dont want to see a face in pain
i dont want to hear a sob
i dont want to feel the hand shake
i dont want to smell the salty tears and iron blood
i dont want to taste the filthy lowblooded peasant i am
stop caring about me
and it'll be less painful
and i could die knowing that i was more of a familiar than a friend
i know i reference you in vents so much
sweetheart
im sorry
but i
im sorry that i lied to stay positive , i dont have any medication and i feel sick from my head to my heart
it feels like my ribs are shattering and my face is dusty and being cleaned with my own tears
i wish you were here
i wish you were here
i dont care if you believe you have coldest touch
its still you and i need you so much right now
but you're always gone
thats why this book exist
i pretend its you but, you never say anything back
and its good
knowing that i cant hear the positivity that you give me that gets consumed by the negativity thats strangling me
its already tied the noose
it already loaded the gun
its already got the elevator to the roof
i wish you were here right now
to give me the hug
i havent felt in so long
to be at the birthday party that mightve been canceled
just to be there to help me
be there to keep me at rest when i see the horrors at night
to hush the sobs of my relapses everyday that proggresively get worse
i love you
so much that its painful
that im going to shatter your heart one day by finally giving in to the words and terrors and nightmares
that you'll find me dead
that i'll dissapear and you'll be waiting for me if you still do
i want to kill myself
so badly
it hurts to breathe
when i cry i cant see
i grow less and less useful not that i ever was
you could live in a world without me in it anymore
it would be much more painful but i know you're so much stronger than i am
you know what to do
maybe ill go quietly and
no
i cant lie
i cant tell you that ive lost my electronic privileges
it makes me a horrible person to leave you there hanging
just like everyone at school did to me
left
me
hanging
i want
to die
how
how do i make it hurt less
i dont have a gun
i dont have a rope
a car would stop before it hit me
there are no reachable buildings where i live
i want to die
i want to kill myself
i was always told to listen to those older than me
i never listened so why am i listening to the older kids now
kill yourself whore
if you werent a girl we would beat you up

beat me up right now you cowards
do it
you always put me down so why not keep me down for good
beat me up to where you cant recognize me
do it
KILL ME
i told you about the kids at school but i never told you everything
if you knew it all
i would feel weak
that i couldnt be strong or anything
i only have the scare factor thats it
i make people scared for or of me
i am negativity
you are positivity
i feel horrible i feel so weak
that i cant protect myself
not even through winter
where its too cold for me to handle
i dont know
if you'll be there to keep me safe through the harsher winter
maybe
you
wont be there
like always.