because i was never really the christmas
ornament they took down
i was so ugly i didnt deserve to be put up
properly like everyone else
ive been experiencing a lot of mental problems, again and again. as much as i will repeat it, i have bad relapses.
i remember first cutting myself in art class with one of the tools.
and i saw it again in the remains of the art tools my brother had.
why was i smiling when i saw it
why was i pondering, thinking if it was dull or sharp
if it was dull it would be more painful
if it was sharp it would glide through with ease.
why do i curl into a ball when have a relapse
why is it so painful to cry
why do i keep lying to people i care about
why do i still exist
why didnt mom abort me like she did my no longer young sibling
why didnt i jump off of that cliff when i could
i want to take the advice that my head repeats to me everyday
"if you die, youll see how much you matter, but you'll never be able to let them know what you feel about it. so isnt it better to let them be able to not fake how they actually feel about you? isnt it better to just die?"
i liked that advice.
but i was too scared.
i always put too much thought into my drawings.
demon and angel,
same but different.
if you were to kill the good angel in you with the bad demon in you, you'd be killing yourself.
i wish someone would kill me without hesitation.
because i want someone to have no remorse for killing trash.
if i did live long enough to be with the special someone i love.
i only ask if i could be blind or deaf
so i couldnt see the pain in your eyes
but still hear your voice
or
not be able to hear your sobs but still be able to see the face that i had blushed many times over
even if heaven and hell did exist im sure i would be inbetween, having caused enough mayhem but being put through the mental hell i already have.
its wonderful.
i wake up in the morning to see how long i can stay conscious
ive already come to the conclusion that im out of my mind or my mind lost me because i get histerical and delusional over the small triggering item or get afraid and guilty of the things i had used to hurt myself with
the art tool, the blade, the scissors and i wonder if i could just get the guts to use the knife. am i good enough yet.
do i have to keep trying?
i hope i dont, i stopped trying a long time ago.
maybe the blade is sharp.
YOU ARE READING
not your cup of tea (venting)
Acaktw : this will include depressing and suicidal themes as it is a vent book. occasionally i will share vent drawings that may cause some bad thoughts to you. a/n : i share this because im still hoping somebody will help me i cant breathe anymore. im...
