A Trip Inside My Head

1

Here I am, standing in front of a mirror and yet I can't see my own reflection, is it dark or am I just dreaming again? It's all the same whether I open my eyes or close them, maybe I should try to go back to sleep hoping to never wake up, it's all I can do anyhow.

It's already morning, I can tell by the light penetrating the curtains, I woke up again in someone else's bed, I don't even remember her name we barely talked and flirted for a bit then ended up fucking in the bathroom of the bar I work in, I'm not sure how we got  here so I better leave before I wake her up and get stuck in the old scenario of: oh, you don't drink coffee? I canyou stay over for breakfast though, wanna meet later? let's watch a movie together, I like you,...etc.

My days are as boring and meaningless as my life and there's nothing to do about it, I cannot kill myself nor pay someone else to do it even if I get two jobs and work the weekends as a DJ, so I just keep waiting for the nothingness to keep happening... Damn I'm such a nihilistic.

I might look like I have everything figured out and all my shit is under control, I'm a 22 year old musician who sleeps almost all day and wakes up to either mix some new hits or fuck random girls, okay um well I'm not really the player kind of girl and I'm so honest about my commitment issues, I keep telling girls that I'm not to expect anything from and I don't wanna hurt anyone, but I still don't understand why some of them (most of them) just wanna stick by my side thinking that they can magically heal my broken heart.
What is it with all artists, we are all sad these days.

The loneliness is killing me whilst I still wish I could be alone, at least I wouldn't feel so awful for having people around and still feeling like there's no one next to me, "empty" is the only word that comes into my mind if you ask me to describe how I feel, who am I kidding though? No one even cares to ask about me or dares to make an effort to listen to me, and by "no one" I mean people I care about which is a list of 0, unfortunately my cat can't talk otherwise he should start by apologizing for everytime he vandalized the house.

I'm a bit of a huge mess right? I make sure to remind myself of that everyday, I love and care about no one but my damned self and my cat, that bastard is all I got in this world of 7 billion ages something people minus the possibility of meeting them all, just the girls mostly because I breathe rainbows, also I live in San Francisco and since I'm probably not leaving it anytime soon it leaves the other possibility of meeting someone new because I fucked every girl in town so I will just focus on work for the time being before some girl's mom shows up to yell at me only to figure out I ate her out too.

My relationship with my parents is very fucked up, I wish I was adopted or some shit, they treat my little sister like a princess alas I get daily insults, and they still dare to ask why I'm so mysterious and ruthless...
I make sure to seclude myself from them although I got used to being treated like trash and blamed for all the bad in the universe.

We were supposed to go to some boring family dinner today, I didn't wanna see anyone but I had to move and do something with my time since I'm not working tonight, I put my headphones on and turned the volume to the maximum listening to Tchaikovsky's "Swan Lake", on the road my parents started fighting for some unknown reason that I ignored, which somehow got me in a fight with them and one thing lead to another I ended up leaving the car without saying a word. I watched as my father drove away with my mother and sister, whereas I couldn't help but think; there's no place for me in there.

I got used to it.