A Trip Inside My Head

19

You know how things work in this universe right? Well, you get something you've always wanted and you lose another, everything is going fine until the surprise hits you from nowhere because that's just life, you see, things work out on this side and get screwed up on another, no matter how hard you try or whatever you do, there's always something you can't control.

Being strong and hurting are two different things, I was hurting pretty much since forever and life was never fair to me, but I've never been this strong, I've never known the feeling of getting to stand up again and start 'living' all over again starting from zero, or is it just surviving? I honestly cannot tell the difference anymore.

I used to write a lot about her because she was everything I could write about, she was everything I had and I don't tend to sound sad or depressed, but this is actually me needing to be strong again, I don't have any fucking choice now.

Last time I saw the Queen was on that night before she disappeared, she never came back to the castle, I waited for her and I was going crazy all alone in there hearing rumors about her finally getting a stupid match thanks to the spirits, it only took the guards a few days to get rid of me because I was just a guest in there and Leia wasn't there to protect me anymore, oh and believe me it was worse than getting deported.

After all, we are not who we think we are, our behavior and actions change depending on the atmosphere and the company we have around us, I was alone practically my whole life and the only time I opened up to someone this happened, I don't regret it and I don't hate her for it, it is what it is I guess and there's nothing to do about any of this.

I haven't spoken to my parents since I got here, my father couldn't ask me anything but getting back to my 'normal' life wasn't an issue for me, I was perhaps in a dream, a long dream that seemed like a trip, a trip inside of my head, the kind of trip you wish can last forever.

Reality is weird, it's even crazier than dreams because you know it's reality and not just a dream you're going to eventually wake up from and forget about although it'll leave some impact on you but it still is just a dream, in my case it was all real and here I am, grounded in my own room like a 13 year old kid because of a crime I forgot I've committed, I don't mind being grounded, where would I go?

The ceiling looks interesting, it's all I've been looking at for a while now, I lost count of how many days I have been here, I can't eat nor sleep, I'm just breathing and barely moving, I wanna do something, I wish I could do something about this situation but I'm just stuck.

The few months I spent in Skotein are just memories now, I'm avoiding talking to anyone even after my parents offered to take me to therapy or whatever, I don't have the energy to talk about what happened, I'm fucking empty! I was before but this is different, bad kind of different that I can't handle too well.

People who are in love always go through a difficult path don't they? I'm saying this because I've seen couples who don't love each other together doing just fine, and then the ones who are in love are separated by distance, time, family, or in my case separated by a dimension and some creepy spirits.

Staying there wasn't going to change anything either, I mean, would The Queen fight for me? I don't think she can, for them the spirits are a red line no one can think of crossing, I am not a victim of circumstance and I refuse to be, I'm stronger than this and I'll try to get over it, I have to get over it.

How do damaged people move on? I've been asking all the kinds of questions and yet nothing is clear, I know for sure that I'll be hurting for the rest of my life pretending to be 'okay' but then what? I need time, effort, I need to reset my heart and my mind, but I am not a fucking robot, I'm just a person who is trying to be strong, but I see it gets everyone else to assume that you don't have any feelings thinking that you can take anything and be fine with everything around you.

So what do I do now? Work? Meet new people? Pretend to forget? That's what others do and that's not me, that's weak and I am not weak, I wanna try to live with it and get used to the pain, I wonder how is she... I have no right to say this but, I wonder if she's still thinking of me as I am thinking of her.

I decided to never go near that portal again, to never go back to those woods, there's no way I'd go back there no matter what, and I would rather get punished here than go fuck myself up and screw my feelings, if I still have any...

Leia made me realize that I have feelings I never thought existed in me, she taught me some things that even I didn't know about myself and I'm thankful for that, I know it's never gonna happen again because how many times do you think you truly fall in love in this life?

Easier said than done, right? I wish I could stop thinking, stop feeling, stop time and life, I want everything to freeze because I am frozen while everything else is moving around me and I can't follow.

I miss her, I will miss her forever and I hate to say it, I know that we cannot be together but controlling my feelings isn't easy, and that's why I always keep pretending, I hate the fact that I'm unable to make a change and if you ask me what I would change, I would choose to go back there to grab her and take her with me, impossible, I know.

Wishing to be with her isn't gonna work, wishing for her happiness hurts even more because when I think about her 'happy' with someone else that isn't me, smiling to them, being next to them..., just hurts.

Her smile...

I miss her smile.

I won't wish for anything, I'll just keep my stupid hopes for myself because it sounds crazy to hope that I can see her, but I hope I can, so I hope that we will get to meet again one way or another, and I hope we can be together again in this life or another.