A Trip Inside My Head

20

I'm just sitting here thinking about absolutely nothing, can you believe it is actually possible not to be able to think? I never thought of it, I never thought about a lot of things and then they all happened to me at once. I was just another person, another face, another name, but now I am more than any of that, I'm a person who's face is all over the news thanks to my family's name for making my reputation worse.

But even all those crazy things can be forgotten in a matter of time, everything can be fixed, people have already forgotten about even worse criminals so why would they keep focusing on the fact that I kinda left my world for someone from another dimension? Not that they knew anything about it anyway.

I feel like shit, not like I know what shit feels like but I'm pretty sure even shit feels bad when it comes out of the butthole, well, I feel worse than I could ever describe, it's really insane that I was really happy just a while ago and in just 2 minutes everything changed and I lost what I thought I had.

My father is still trying to help by giving me all the space I need, even my mom was being so nice to me, what a miracle! But all I've been doing since I got back here was cuddle with my cat and listen to classical music, practically the same things I used to do back at Skotein precisely in Leia's room minus being next to her.

I knew it wouldn't be easy, life doesn't come with a manual of how to do's, things just happen and you gotta accept them and move the fuck on, not fair right? But I understand that moving on isn't that easy, I'm gonna have to start with leaving my room first, socialize and try new things, visit different places, gross, that sounds like something a therapist would say!

Hello darkness my old friend, it's been quite a while but look at us now, all miserable and depressed like everyone else in this world, trying but not really trying to change anything just hoping for things to change, hoping but not really hoping for things to go to the way they were, knowing but not really knowing that all hope is gone.

As Fyodor Dostoyevsky once said : "To live without hope is to cease to live". But I never truly lived until I met Leia, and only then I lived and I loved, I loved and I lost, I lost and I tried, and above all, I loved and I got hurt.

I'm not sure what day it is though I finally decided to go out, I'm not going back to being a DJ just yet or anything special but going out is a huge step forward for me, I'm actually about to leave my room instead of saying that I'll do it.

This time I don't have to sneak out of the house, have a fight with my parents and hit the door then leave, I don't have to speak to anyone, why would they even care? They're always busy with that annoying little brat of a sister I don't remember the face of, not a big of a change after all.

It's almost midnight and I'm sitting in a random bar all alone getting tipsy while ignoring everyone around, and wow, even Alexia the emotionless bitch who used to fuck around without thinking or worrying about anybody's feelings is avoiding eye contact from this girl and a wave from the other, if anyone told me that I'd change into this boring depressed kinda person I wouldn't have believed them!

The music was getting louder, the place fuller, a part of me wants to stay only because it was supposed to do me some good, but the other part not only wishes to go home but actually thinks coming here was a bad idea in the first place.

I tried to dance a little but my body is refusing to move, I feel like being here is a mistake, not just the bar but even going back to what we call 'home', and all of a sudden, drunk me is thinking of all the things sober me was avoiding to think of, let aside from that how everyone at the bar is looking at me, and it'll probably take people decades to forget about a story they don't even understand.

Few minutes later I locked myself up inside the bathroom of the bar I was supposed to be having fun at, while other girls are exchanging glares or even kissing, I'm here crying like a fool, I'm not sure what's on my mind exactly, I don't wanna go back to my parent's place, I don't even wanna stay in this damned city.

I was finally able to leave the bathroom, hardly walking though trying to contact an Uber to drive me to a hotel or some place where I don't know anyone so I can lock myself up again without having to talk to anyone.

It's been 25 minutes and I still haven't received a response from the driver, 'maybe I should just go out and check out for myself' I thought, 'if I stay here one more minute I'll fall asleep'.

Everything looks blurry to me, I could hardly see the front door as I walked out of it like a lost cat trying to make my way to the unknown, what a stupid idea. Why did I even leave my bedroom anyway?

Still not a single call or text, what's wrong with this thing?
Before I checked the app again a familiar figure captured my eye and I couldn't help but check to understand how drunk I am, and right in front of me, in the street, there was Leia freezing cold sitting on some stairs of a place I can't even recognize, I walked closer to her, the whiskey must've been really strong hehe!..

"M-my Queen?!" she stood up in a blink of an eye right after realizing it's actually me

"Oh my! I can't believe I found y-" I shut her up with a slap

"I must've gotten really drunk"

"Alexia, it's me.. I've been looking all over for you"

"Go away, I need to sleep" I think I didn't confirm the ride

"Yes, once we go back home you'll get all the sleep you need, you look tired"

"SHUT UP!!" I shouted in the middle of the street

"I understand that you're mad at me for a lot of reasons"

"Don't even get me started"

"Look, you misunderstood certain things, now if you just let me explain"

"You're a Queen!!"

"What are you talking about? So what?"

"You're a fucking Queen, and, and here, here you were just sitting on some damn stairs at I don't know what time it is in the middle of San Francisco where no one knows who you are, no one can protect you here Leia, you were sitting on these random stairs in the middle of the night waiting for me!"

"My dear, you really are drunk and yet that's all you're thinking about?"

"I said shut up"

"Okay, I'm sorry"

"Don't talk to me, and don't you dare follow me".

"Alexia, please.. I just found you.."

"I SAID SHUT UP!!" I walked away and I couldn't even turn to see if she's following me or not, I hope she does but I don't wanna see her, what the fuck?!! Why am I even walking away?

She's right here.