The Ultimate Sin (BWWM)

22. Got Til' Its Gone

I haven't been able to sleep for three days now because that day kept replaying in my head.

This was my fifth time cleaning the kitchen today. I finished the entire house yesterday and I have been cleaning to keep my mind off of things. David hasn't spoken to me since that night and Antonio has cut off all contact with me.

I tried calling his parents and they won't even answer my calls. I've just been here, by myself.

I just kept weighing out my options. With Antonio, I knew he was all mines. No drama, no crazy ex-wife, and most importantly, I wouldn't carry the guilt of being a mistress. Although Ant was in a way selfish, he loved me, almost unconditionally.

With David, it was always passionate. I always felt the fire. Maybe it was the way we began. The sneaking around was fun, in a way. I know it made him feel young again although it was wrong. When he wasn't hurting my feelings, he was making me feel loved and wanted.

The need for want rooted deeply from something that had nothing to do with David. I may have not realized it back then but towards the end of us, I definitely did. I depended on David. I needed him to be there for me in that way.

My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of keys in the door. I didn't go into work today so I know it was probably Ant trying to stop by when I wasn't here.  My palms became sweaty. I wen't over what I was gonna say to him when I saw him but I wasn't expecting it to be this soon.

He opened the door and walked in the house. He looked around for any sign of me. I'm guessing he didn't find one because he proceeded into the hallway after shutting and locking the front door. I was in the kitchen when I heard him walk up the stairs. I gave it two minutes before I followed behind him.

I found him in our bathroom gathering his belongings. He looked into the mirror and saw me leaning against the threshold.

Antonio shook his head and tried to move faster. He did not want to run into his ex-fiancé. "Ant" he heard her whisper but ignored. "Antonio please hear me out. I won't speak to you ever again if you'd like but I need you to hear this"

I stopped what I was doing and turned to her. "Speak" I said. She let out a sigh of relief and started fidgeting with her hands. "There's some things you don't know about me. I've never told you or almost anyone for that matter" she spoke. I looked at her, signaling her to continue.

"As a child I was abused. Mentally, sexually, and physically. I made sure that when I left that state of being that I would never address or bring it up again. Although it caused me to work harder and become successful at a young age, it only served as a distraction. I've always felt the need to feel wanted and when I met David, that's what I felt. It triggered emotions I thought would never resurface. David gave me the feeling I've longed for from my mother. It's not that I don't love and care for you, because I do, but I didn't completely open up to you, and allow you to love me the way you waned to. And for that, I'm sorry. You're an amazing man and any woman would be lucky to have you. I don't deserve you and if you never wanna see me again, I'll understand"

By the end of it, she was on the verge of breaking down. I sat my duffel bag on the counter and walked over to her. She looked up and me, bursting into tears. I embraced her tightly. I loved her and she was the love of my life, but she was damaged.

"Emerald I understand. You need help, ok?" that only made her cry harder. "I know Ant. I know" she sniffled. "I'm not trying to justify my wrong-doings. I just wanted you to know that you weren't at fault. It's deeper than you and David. You're right, I'm damaged. And I'm not sure I'll ever be fixed"

He pulled away and walked towards the sink. He picked up and duffle bag and walked back my way. He kissed my forehead and left.

I wiped the tears that continued to fall. My cellphone rang and I looked at the contact which read "Gran". I got it together quickly before swiping right.

"Hey Granny"
"Hi chile. How's everything?"
"Good, how's vacation going?"

Gran and the deacon had went to New Orleans for the week.

"It's going good baby. You and Ant should have came along. Speaking of my grandson, how's he? I tried to call him a few times but he wouldn't pick up"
"Granny, I messed up. Bad" I cried.
"Are you crying? What's wrong Emerald? Is everything alright?"
"No. He left me Gran. I messed up"
Gran just sighed.
"I knew you weren't completely happy with him chile. You seemed like it, but I know my grandchild. It was David right?"
"Yes"
"Listen, you will never be happy with these demons you're carrying. You gotta let them go"
"But how Gran? I thought I was over what happened in my past"
"Chile you can forget but you gotta forgive. I told you awhile ago that you needed to speak to your mother"
"I know but I hate her Gran. I do. She did this to me, she ruined me"
"You can't put all the blame on her baby. She was damaged before she had you. While you used work as your escape, she used drugs"

I thought about it for a minute. Gran was right. I will never be able to get over my past if I don't confront the demons that have been haunting me. It was time for me to go see my mother.