55 Days with Luke Hemmings

Day 5

Blaze

If I didn't have to be here, I wouldn't. Trust me. I had been asked to speak, and I when I was asked, I wasn't vocal enough to say no. So here I was.

Here I was, in this ridiculously short dress with these ridiculous lace tights and my ridiculous black Vans and that ridiculously morbid Marlboro phone case he insisted I use for his funeral. I sat through most of it without really listening. I was just staring at the casket, thinking, 'my boyfriend is in there. Why is my boyfriend in there?' And then I would remember that my boyfriend is dead and this is his funeral and I would be sad. Then I would forget and start the whole process over again. When they called my name, my head snapped up from the casket, and Calum squeezed my hand in support. I walked up towards the podium with my speech in hand.

"Hi, I'm Blaze Johnson. I was Luke's girlfriend. Luke had this thing about him, where he thought he was really tough and scary, but when you had a conversation with him, you realized he was the exact opposite. He was funny and witty and so incredibly kind. I don't want to try to talk Luke up like he was the perfect person, because he had his flaws. Everyone does." I lowered my head closer to the microphone and scoffed quietly.

"Luke waited a month to tell me he had cancer, and if that's not procrastination, I don't know what is." I jokingly whispered, and to my relief, I get a few laughs in the pews. I lift my head and clear my throat, the thought of the sweetest boy I had ever known in the stuffy wooden box before me making me feel as though I'n suffocating. "I will never forget Luke Hemmings. I can already tell you that there won't be one day for the rest of my mortal life that I won't think of him, blue hair and all. Even now, there's not a minute I don't think of him."

I want to talk about how Luke was probably the great love of my life. That Luke was what made my sun shine and the stars come out at night. I want to tell them that after meeting Luke, I scolded myself everyday for wasting shooting stars and 11:11's and eyelashes on things that weren't Luke's life.

But I know that won't comfort them, and that's what they want. Comfort. I know that hearing of our love story, that may have been silly to them, would not comfort them. So I hold these thoughts close to my heart and decide they are my thoughts. They are for me and Luke only. No one else needed to know.

"Luke Hemmings was, and is, my best friend. I'm grateful for him, and everything he's given me." I look to the boys. Ashton bites his lips and clasps his large hands in front of his mouth, and I can tell, even from the podium that tears are building in his eyes. Michael wipes his big green eyes and sends a loving smile to me, one I mirror to him. Calum smiles and holds a fist over his heart, letting me know that he knew. He knew I meant that Luke had given me them. "I don't want to imagine one day without Luke, but I know I don't have to. He's always going to be with me, and everyone, for that matter. Keep the memories with him. Keep them close. Those are his legacy." I clench my fists, feeling tears build in my eyes and I decide it's time to finish. "Luke was a blessing, no matter how short it lasted. Don't forget that."

I leave the podium and before I can sit down, Ashton is standing, his arms wrapped around me tightly. I hold him, and I feel his silent tears in my hair but I just hold him tighter. He whispers a quiet sentence in my ear before letting go.

"That was great Blaze. Thank you."

And I know the words mean much more than they appear.

(Blaze's outfit is on my polyvore [jesus-stel])