Jokes, Riddles, and Other Philosophical Insights

...But Not Really

A Four-Part Poem (Part 4)

11/19/16

I never knew the characters to your name, but
Now I do,
And I know that they don't mean just plum blossom, but
Plum flower.
The former is sweet and pretty to look at,
But never grows beyond its budding youth, whereas
The latter actually flowers into full bloom,
And yet does not become a ripe fruit.
Still though, it's a start.

And here I am, copying your name's characters separately for homework
Thinking about our old friendship
And remembering the dream I had about you
Two months ago from now
And four years after we drifted apart
And I wonder if you'll ever come back to me
And if I even still want you to.
I mean, that was four years ago
And though your voice has deepened
You still laugh that light, hiccupy laugh
And you apologize repeatedly
For almost hitting someone with a foam ball
That you barely even kicked.

And I realize with a sudden, terrible clarity
That you may always be meek and shy like a child
Who is denied the freedom to grow independently
And to grow up to be independent
While I have grown apart from you
Maturing and learning and finding my way.
I don't know anymore if I want your child-like influence in my life,
Not now, when I've come so far
Your soft voice which once made me laugh and be happy
Now annoys me in its unassertive ways.

I want to show you I have better friends now
I want to show you I can be strong without you
That I can even surpass you.
I want to show you I can sing better now
That I can sing in my own way
And it still sounds good.
It's not breathy and sweet like yours;
It's strong and powerful,
Able to belt out powerful strings of notes and lyrics

I want to show you that I am better off without you, than you.
I want to prove myself to you

"See, look! I can do this now. You told me I couldn't but I can."

But I shouldn't feel the need to prove myself to you.
I just said that I don't need you anymore
I should close my eyes, turn my back,
Move on, forget it all...

But I can't. I can't forget it.
And I never will.
Maybe it's better that way.

But...

If you fall one day
If the heavy anvil of truth drops upon your head
If reality shoves you off the ledge, and you jolt into an enlightened clarity
I will come back to pick you up
Nurse you back to health
And then beyond.

I will comfort you.
I will teach you how to revel in your newfound freedom
I will help your stunted growth recover.

But.
Until you throw off the heavy yolk—
Until you realize it's even there—
I will continue living my life,
Surrounded by the people who make me feel good about myself
And glancing back on occasion.