FORLORN | JIKOOK

019 ─ change

Jeon Jungkook

The night before, after Jimin and I talked, I quickly fell asleep. But I found myself waking up several times, simply because my mind didn't want to stop running with different thoughts and feelings. I kept remembering how the man said that he had someone he wanted me to meet. I couldn't keep myself from wondering who it was, or why. I didn't know if it was a family member, or a friend, or maybe even a lover. I dreaded it being the last, but it would only make sense if it was.

He could've possibly also been introducing me to the man he lived with. I think he called him Hoseok. That Hoseok character, I couldn't help but wonder what kind of place he had in Jimin's life. I didn't really know much of what had happened to Jimin after he left. I didn't know about any new people that came into his life, or new things that he did or experienced.

But then again, it probably wasn't any of my business.

I wasn't sure why I thought I mattered enough to know. I didn't have a high place in Jimin's life anymore— in fact, I probably had the lowest. I wouldn't have been surprised if that was the case, considering we were on such awkward terms. I strongly wished that I knew what was going on between us. I wanted to hope that there was a chance for us to be... An us. But I was feeling like it was just me. And it was just him. It was just him and I. Maybe not even that.

In a way, I didn't know who I was at that point. I still didn't have a job, and though I had a home, it wasn't even really me owning it. Taehyung was taking care of me. Paying the bills and buying the groceries, not me. I felt like a child. But with that in mind, my mind began to turn towards jobs. The idea had slipped my mind ever since Taehyung and I went on vacation, but I knew that I needed to think about it. I wanted to have a plan by the end of the trip. I knew that I loved Jimin. I was more sure of that than of anything else. That was probably the only thing that was clear to me between him and I.

I also knew that I loved the coffee shop. I cherished the times that I spent with Jimin, and I knew that there was no way to get rid of those memories. To try to kill those memories was like to try to kill me, because Jimin was a part of me.

There was no way to get rid of those things, and I was realizing that though I used to think I wanted to forget those things, I didn't. And I didn't want to forget the coffee shop; I wanted to stay. Maybe I didn't know for sure, but I was beginning to seriously consider going again. Because the coffee shop was like another home for me. I missed seeing Namjoon often, and I missed the sweet scent of the different treats and drinks. I missed the relaxing vibe the coffee shop had. And though I had memories there, that was all the more reason to stay.

I really wanted to go back.

But I knew that I needed to talk to Taehyung about it before I made a decision. I was still feeling slightly unsure, but I was becoming extremely open to the idea. The only thing keeping me back, in that moment, was that I needed to discuss it with Taehyung first.

Once I woke up that morning, I couldn't help but dread the event that was going to happen. I wanted to call Jimin just to ask him who the person was. I was itching for an answer, and I felt like the constant ideas of who it might have been engulfing my mind. I wanted to know what they looked like, and what their personality was like. I didn't even have a name. I guess it concerned me that I was so clueless.

It always scared me to be replaced; that was always something that frightened me terribly. I guess, due to that, it only made sense that once Jimin broke up with me, he would quickly move on and find someone else. I mean, he did say it himself.

He had moved on.

And that, that hurt me horribly. I had no way to describe what it meant to me, or what it did to me. In that moment, I felt like I was going to break down. I was so sure that the rush of tears would hit me, but I knew that I had to keep myself steady. It would be childish to end up crying right in front of the man; but it just hurt so much.