FORLORN | JIKOOK

022 ─ lying

Jeon Jungkook

"I'm sorry I made you go." I mumbled, holding my hands together tightly, almost as if I needed something to keep myself from shivering in overwhelming emotion. I completely regretted everything from earlier that day– seeing Hyeona and Jimin together, the fact that I agreed to go in the first place, and, worst of all, the fact that I had urged Taehyung to go with me. I, myself, dreaded the event, yet I pulled Taehyung into it with me, and it really frustrated me that I did such a thing. I wasn't blind, I could see the way unease prickled his skin. I could see the awkward gleam in his eyes whenever he would glance at the two across from us— I could see the frustrated expression that sat on his face. I could see by the way his body tensely held itself, looking quite thin and awkward in the brown chair.

He dreaded it, too.
Just for different reasons.

"Jungkook, don't apologize to me." Taehyung sighed, pushing his pillow down onto the surface of the bed, pressing it against the wall of the headboard. "I wanted to go. It's okay." He tried to reassure, his eyes lifting to send a quick glance my way; it was like he was checking to see my expression at the words that left his pale lips. I pressed the back of my head against the headboard at such response, before I slid my head to the side. I let my eyes burn on the man who lowered his head moments before, squinting at the lie that I spotted so easily. I knew that what he spoke was wrong, and I narrowed my eyes irritatedly at the knowledge.

"Why are you lying to me?" I questioned, my eyes following the man while he used his hands to fix the blankets and pillows. Taehyung didn't bother to lift his eyes, but instead kept his gaze firmly on the objects under him. "I'm not lying." He spoke softly, his voice low due to the exhaustion hanging in his words. Even after saying such a thing, I knew he was making it up.

I understood him better than he thought.

"Taehyung, please." I frowned, my eyes sitting heavily on the man that tried to avoid my sight. "You can't pretend that that's true for my sake. I know that you were miserable." I bluntly rasped, disregarding sugar coating of any kind. I was glad that Taehyung wanted to make me feel better, but I disliked how he was dishonest with me to reach that goal. And I wanted to put a stop to it.

Because I was learning that he had many secrets, and I wanted to expose every single one of them.

"You can't always hide what's on your mind, Tae. I hate it." I admitted. "I want to know what you're thinking, but it's difficult to do that when you're always so closed off.." I exposed the truth, finishing with a small tilt to my head, lowering it slightly. I didn't intend to be rude or harsh in any way, but I wished that Taehyung would understand that, by hiding his feelings, he wasn't helping anything. Maybe he thought he was, but really, it just made me feel confused, or upset. Because I wanted him to feel free to speak his mind.

But the man beside me only held his head low, and his eyes burned steadily on his hands pressed against the cushion under him. I could feel his nerves radiating from him, prickling his skin with shivering goosebumps. I was unsure if the man planned on speaking, until he parted his lips with a quiet and shaky sigh. The sound came off in a slightly discomforting way, until he tilted his head to the side, which allowed strands of his hair to press against his honey skin in a slightly tickling manner. His eyes sternly dragged upward, allowing his eyelashes to slowly lift. They guarded his dark eyes, and his cheeks looked almost heated in rosy brooding against his distraught expression. His lips trembled while nearly soundless breaths escaped through, each one wishing to push out some type of response.

But nothing ever came.

── • ──

Kim Taehyung

How, exactly, do you explain to someone, that you're desperately trying to act like everything's okay, not because it is, but because you love them? Genuinely love them? Because you would give up every drip, every ounce of your everlasting happiness so they would be happy instead? Because you cherish them so much, that you don't at all want to cherish yourself? Not because your own self doesn't matter, but because they matter so absolutely much.

Because that specific, pretty little smile spread across their sweet cheeks, that causes their skin to glow in the most absolutely pure way, is worth more in your eyes than any other smile that could sit against any other's skin. And because, the sparkle of excitement that radiates from that specific set of chocolate covered eyes gives you the most thrilling feeling any pair of eyes ever has.

I didn't like pretending that I was happy. I didn't like having to look Jeon Jungkook in the eyes, and spit out little lies, that slowly grew into bigger painful, hidden things. I despised keeping things from him, and trying to fool him to think that everything was alright, whenever all he wanted was the truth.

But sometimes, the things people want, they don't need.

Maybe it seemed like making up those little things was easy. Maybe it seemed like I could smile while whispering a sweet, "I'm okay" without a second thought, but my chest tugged with the sharpest pains. Chills of frustration pinched my veins every time, begging me, asking myself why I would try to hurt Jungkook by making up such things. By lying to him about things that maybe, I didn't even need to lie to him about.

But that man was so conflicted. His entire being was filled with confusion, and pain. So, I had to remind myself every time— I didn't want to add onto such thing. I wanted to do everything in my ability to keep from hurting him anymore, from confusing him anymore. And so, even though I hated telling him that I was happy to go with him, I did it anyway. Because he felt comfortable knowing I was there with him. It helped him, and that's what mattered to me. I preferred to be glad that I could love him and be there for him than to be upset that I had to see the longing look in his eyes, that desperately wished to be loved by the man that sat across from him.

And I suppose, since I knew that that same exact look sat heavily in my own eyes towards that very man, it hurt to know that he understood what it was like.

Because I loved him; and I hated that he felt the miserable feelings at the sight of Hyeona and Jimin, that I did with Jimin and him.

── • ──

well now that i've watched anime i've risen from the dead bc gays rly motivate me

i apologize tho for basically avoiding existence but lmao hey xoxo here's a crappy chapter to show u my love,,, yes i forced myself to write it and it probably makes no sense but i tried my very best to write smth good!!!!!! :^)))))

anyway ily all sm thank u for reading! i hope u guys missed me rip and hopefully u enjoyed this chapter too!!! ill see u in the next one <3 33