FORLORN | JIKOOK

001 ─ forgiven

Jeon Jungkook

It had been a year since Park Jimin had run off. Off to somewhere that I was still completely unaware of, but it didn't really matter any longer, because he was happy. Jimin was happy. And that's what mattered; the only thing that ever mattered..

Once I realized and understood that I could never actually erase Jimin from my life- or pretend to, at least, I stayed around the apartment- and only the apartment, for about four more months. Granted, no matter how I tried to face the facts, it didn't mean I didn't cry. It didn't mean sometimes I didn't lose it and break down into tears, and even sometimes I couldn't bring myself to eat due to stress and frustration- or sadness. I pulled myself together for once, but I still couldn't face the people I needed to face. I just wanted to keep to myself, and to be on my own to collect myself before I could take my first step away from the poor past and into what was supposed to be some kind of "future". I started to wonder if there was even a thing like that for me anymore, but I suppose I still had some kind of faith that maybe I would find something. I think mostly the only thing that was keeping me stable and somewhat calm was Taehyung, who no matter what came to my apartment at least twice a week to make sure I was feeling and doing okay. He had tried asking about others coming over more than once, but I never wanted them to, and he knew not to take it into his own hands by bringing them himself whenever I said no. Having Taehyung over so often was extremely difficult for me at first, since I wasn't even sure if I wanted the company or not. But whenever he came in and checked on me to make sure I was holding up, I couldn't help but to give in to his caring words and, somehow, gentle atmosphere.

He basically had to baby me- or something close like that. I guess I didn't really care about my well being, such as showering or changing my clothes very often. For awhile, every time he came over we got in a small argument about showering and refreshing myself. I never wanted to because it didn't matter to me, but each time he refused to leave me in such a state. Each time he won, and after a few weeks of the same constant routine, I finally decided he wouldn't stop bugging me about it. So, of course, I took it into my own hands and started doing it before he could fuss at me about it any longer. But it seemed to please him, which somehow made me feel better about it. Along with coming over, he never came empty-handed. He always brought some kind of food over, without any specific reason. But every now and then I wouldn't want to eat, even whenever he brought me food, so Taehyung always had to beg me to eat; either by guilt-tripping me or giving me stupid information about needing food until I finally did what he asked. And alongside that, whenever I started to get low on my own apartment food, he always went grocery shopping for me. But though I appreciated everything that he did for me, I secretly felt like a burden, or a lame friend.

Or person in general, actually.

Taehyung didn't have to do all of that for me—, he never did—, but he did it anyway. He tried his best to help. And sometimes I just wished that I wasn't hurting so much over Jimin simply so I could make it up to Taehyung, because truth is, I never understood why he stuck with me.

I always thanked him, but it was never enough to me. And whenever I told him that I didn't want him to keep wasting his time on me, and that I felt like I needed to make it up to him, he always said that just me allowing him to be with me and getting better was like a reward to him. He loved doing all of that for me, but I still felt concerned, no matter what he said. I felt like maybe I was making him miss out on something better. But he always told me that that was what he wanted to do- and that it was his decision.

Which made me feel like a little less of a burden each time.

Moving on from the four months, I finally felt like I needed to breathe fresh air and come face to face with the people I had been avoiding. And whenever I told Taehyung that I was ready, he was absolutely ecstatic. He could barely contain his excitement, because he was so glad to see I was feeling healthy enough- emotionally and physically, to finally get out of the apartment that felt as if it grew smaller day by day. I started off with Seokjin, who was happy to see me but also held a bit of a grudge at me for acting the way I did and for avoiding him. More than anything I think he was just concerned, not angry; telling by the way he exclaimed about being so absolutely frightened for my health. Taehyung had to constantly reassure him that he was with me, but Jin wouldn't stop exclaiming about how extremely bothered he had felt hearing that I had chosen Taehyung instead of him to take care of me. Secondly, we went to Namjoon and I made it right with him as well; he was part of the family. Granted, he was a new part of our family, but still family. He understood perfectly and tried his best to listen and to bring me comfort. Which really helped me. And alongside that, I apologized for never coming back to work, in which he offered me a job once more. But I declined, even the extra times where he asked to make sure that I was positive I didn't want to work there. Working there held too many memories of Jimin, and though it was a fun place to work with great people, it would've just made everything worse. And it was where I met Gyo Junsu, who started it all by taking my innocence. Which wasn't a good memory, whatsoever. That being said, I had no clue whenever it came to getting a new job.

And lastly, I went to Min Yoongi. I had avoided him as well, which was probably the biggest shock for everyone, since I always went to him in times of need. It was a habit of mine because of the atmosphere he engulfed himself in, it was always so nice and actually calming. He helped to pull my mind away from my issues, but this time what I was going through wasn't something that I could simply try to avoid. He forgave me easily and even offered a place for me at his house whenever I needed it. He pretended to be annoyed whenever I came to him, but truth is it meant the world to him and he did all he could to make it comfortable for me again. And actually, I needed the place sooner than I thought I would. I kept trying to find a job but I couldn't seem to find one that would fit me, and soon enough I was unable to pay the rent for my apartment. So I packed up, and prepared to live with him, whenever Taehyung begged me to live with him; his reasoning was that he needed to make sure I was taking care of myself. It was difficult to live in the apartment that held traces of Jimin's being, and at first I was extremely nervous and even every now and then I couldn't handle being in there; meaning sometimes whenever I couldn't stand with sleeping on the floor I would sneak off into the living room and try to sleep on the couch. But I also saw it as a comfort, and sometimes I wished I didn't live there just so his scent over everything would remain fresh. For awhile I had a hard time staying in the apartment, so I would stay with Yoongi whenever I didn't want to be there. It was often that I left at first, but after awhile I knew I needed to face the fact that I lived there now. But it was still hard.

It sounded silly, all of it did. I was a mess over the absent man, but I was getting better. I was coming to my senses more and more. I just needed to face them quicker than I was.

I suppose it was good that I was moving at my own pace, though. Because even if it took awhile, I was moving on and finding myself once more— building my life up once more, and starting over again. I was really improving. I was really, really getting better.

I just wish I would've known it wasn't going to last much longer.

── • ──

authors note ;

i'm back lmao