We are Forever (Book 6 in Nemi Forever Series)

Chapter 18

Demi

I tried to be strong as I held my daughter in my arms. She was beautiful, even if she wasn't fully developed. She could have survived if she had been born at this stage. I don't know why, but she died before she ever got to meet me. Yes, I was trying to be strong, but all I wanted to do was scream at the top of my lungs & down a bottle of pills to stop this pain. I knew my thoughts weren't good, but I didn't dare tell Nick what was going on in my head. I hoped the feelings would pass. I hoped that this was just my initial reaction to this devastation. And I hoped Nick wouldn't leave me alone any time soon.

He left me alone, the next morning, when my mom got to the hospital, but I was okay with that. I felt just as safe in my mom's arms as I did in Nick's. My mom soothed me by running her hand down my hair, then my back & she rocked me on the bed. I'm 30 years old & I was being rocked by my mother. I was falling apart, little by little, thinking I'd never rock Delaney like this. Could anyone make me understand why this was happening? What did I do to deserve this? I tried to remember what Nick had said about the reasons God may have took her from us before we got to meet her. A part of me tried to accept those reasons, but another part, blamed myself. Maybe it was because of the tour I went on. Maybe I wasn't eating right. Maybe I was exercising too much. Maybe I was being punished for the affair I had with Nick when he was with Olivia. Maybe I was being punished for kissing another man while I was married.

I fell asleep as my mom held me & when I woke up, Nick was lying next to me, looking at his phone. I saw his eyes were filled with tears, so I knew I wasn't dreaming. Our little Delaney Sarafina was gone, now, an angel in Heaven. I moved a little, making Nick look at me. "You okay?" I asked, my voice raspy.

He shrugged, letting out a deep breath. "Our dads released a statement. It got to me. It hit me that this is really happening. Funeral arrangements are being made. A birth certificate & death certificate are being issued for our daughter. And I have to explain to my three year old twins that their baby sister is in Heaven & tell them that it's all God's plan." His bitter voice trailed off as he reached up to angrily wipe at tears. He was falling apart, too. I wrapped my arms around his waist.

"Please don't ever leave me." I whispered against his chest.

I heard a sob that sounded like a chuckle come from his throat. "I'm not going anywhere, baby."

I laid on Nick for a few minutes, thinking I should have told him not to leave me alone at all until I was better. I ignored my voice that said to talk to Nick & tell him how I was feeling. I didn't want to make him any more upset than he already was. I lifted my head up to look at Nick's face. "Read the statement to me, please."

"Are you sure?" He asked. I nodded & he looked at his phone. He took a deep breath before he started reading. "The Jonas, Lovato & De La Garza families are saddened to bring this news to the world. Our daughter, Demi Lovato Jonas gave birth on Nov. 2, to a baby girl, who was, sadly, stillborn. Her & our son, Nick Jonas, gave their angel the name of Delaney Sarafina & are deeply saddened, as can be expected. We are asking that you please keep all of our families in your thoughts & prayers as you give us all time to deal with this grief. We appreciate your respect for our privacy during this difficult time. Thank you & God Bless. Papa Jonas & Eddie De La Garza." Nick's voice sounded so sad, but he looked down at me to smile. "Did it sound okay to you?"

I nodded, swallowing the burning lump in my throat. "Yea, was it on twitter?"

"They released the statement everywhere. Rest in peace Delaney Jonas has been a trending topic all day." Nick kissed my head, holding me close. "Tell me honestly. How are you holding up?"

Now was my chance. "As well as can be expected." I said, quietly. Why didn't I tell Nick the screaming thoughts that were in my head, telling me to numb the pain. Telling me to end the pain. I was scared of the thoughts in my head right now. As I listened to Nick tell me where our baby would be buried & that we would have a small memorial at her graveside, I felt myself wondering if I would be there. Maybe we could be buried together if I ended my pain soon.