Feeling This (Ashton Irwin)

fourteen - all of the stars

“Hi.”

“Hey.”

He puts his arms out to accept me, “Come here.”

I throw my arms around him and the sobbing starts again. In between my cries I manage to get out, “I’m such a fuck up, Ashton.”

“We’re all a little fucked up, Zoe Lee.”

I let out a little giggle, knowing how true it is. Why would Ashton say that though? Wait a minute, his eyes were just as bloodshot as mine...

“Follow me.” He says, clutching onto my hand for dear life. I follow him closely up the stairs as he leads me to his room. He doesn’t turn on any of the lights and I continuously run into things. He seems to be having no trouble, but I can’t help but notice how slowly he’s pacing, as though he’s checking each room to make sure it’s clear.

I get more nervous as we venture towards his room. He stops at the door and quickly kisses me on the top of the head. It was comforting and somehow made me feel a little better.

We enter the room and it’s completely bare. Other than the bed on one side below the window and a dresser sat opposite, it was scarcely empty. The bed seemed to have everything on it. There was notebooks and a laptop, drumsticks and a bunch of writing utensils spread across it. Why was his room like this?

We didn’t stop in his room though. He lead me to the bed, where he jumped up and out the window. I was confused at first, but decided to follow him anyways.

“Ashton, what are we doing?” I whisper.

“I come out here, a lot more recently. It’s so beautiful, how you can see all of the stars.” He lays down on the bumpy roof. Instead of lying down though, I stood up straight and looked up to the stars. I let out a loud scream, letting everything out. Ashton doesn’t even flinch, it’s like he was expecting me to do something like that. It was almost like he was beginning to get me.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asks.

“No… Yes… I don’t know. Why were you upset?”

He tries to brush my question off, “I wasn’t.”

I raise my eyebrow at him, looking down. “You were crying.”

He hides his face from me, rubbing the back of his neck. “Don’t know what you’re talking about.”

I smile, not at him, not with him, just in general. “You’re just as stubborn as I am.”

“Thank you.”

“I’ll tell you, if you tell me.” I offer. I sit down beside him, lying up against him and propping my head on his chest.

“Deal.” He seals it with a short kiss.

“I got in a fight. With Sarah. She told me to leave.” I shrug, it wasn’t the first time we’d gotten in a fight, but it was the first time she’s ever actually told me to leave.

“What were you fighting about?” I don’t respond, “Zoe Lee…”

“I just yelled at her again, for ruining my life.”

“Why are you so mad at the world?” He says frustrated.

“What’s there not to be mad at?” He doesn’t answer me, so I take it as a chance to flip the conversation. “Your turn.”

He says nonchalantly, “Got in a fight with Liz.”

“Liz?”

“Um. Luke’s mom.” He begins to trace over the palm of my hands, and plays with my fingers. He compares my hands to his, like they were really the most fascinating thing in the world.