Feeling This (Ashton Irwin)

twenty nine - amnesia

“What’s going on?” Michael’s groggy voice asks. His eyes flicker open momentarily but then shut again due to the bright lighting.

“Shh, go back to sleep, if you wake up, play along.” I whisper so that the boys outside the room don’t hear. He mumbles a cohenerate “okay” before nudging himself into the crook of my neck and falling back asleep. I move myself so my back is facing the door and cuddle into Michael.

I can hear people approaching the door of my room and then their footsteps stop. The ward I was in was very quiet, because it was still night time and the patients in here were sleeping so I could hear every word.

“Alright, so she has woken up, and she is going to be okay.”

“Thank you so much.” I hear Ashton say, and his steps bring him through the door of my room.

“I should warn you though,” My doctor says quickly, making Ashton stop in his tracks.

“You just said she was going to be okay, what do you mean, you should warn me?” His annoyed tone rising.

“When she finally woke up, she seemed very confused on her general surroundings. It took awhile to calm her down-”

“Just tell me what happened!” He growls.

“She has amnesia.”

“Okay… Okay. How bad?”

“We aren’t sure, it could all come back to her once she gets back into her regular routine, but she might never gain some of her memories ever again.”

“Did she recognize anyone?”

“The boy in there with her right now.”

“Okay. Okay, thanks.”

“Give her space. If she doesn’t recognize you, don’t flip out on her, it’ll only make it worse.” The doctor says calmly and then I hear her footsteps fading down the hall and the thump of Ashton’s fist hitting the wall. Over and over again. And then I can hear his breathing start to increase, and the whimpering sound of tears escaping his eyes. I want to be the one to run up to him, and tell him that everything will be okay. But he didn’t tell me everything was going to be okay when he was the one causing all the hurt in my life.

I recognize the squeaking of his shoe against the rubbery tiles as he slides his back down the wall onto the ground. I can picture him placing his face in his hands and now I knew that this was the ultimate payback for what he did.

His breathing slows down to a normal pace and I know he’s going to enter my room soon. This is where the real acting had to come in.

He enters the room and I listen as he steps towards my bed. My face is covered by Michael’s arms so he can’t see that I’m freaking out right now.

“Zoe…” He asks shaking me awake a little but I remain still. He must assume I'm asleep because he begins mumbling to himself. “Zoe Lee… I don’t know what I’ll do if you wake up and don’t remember me. Because you won’t remember how much I’m in love with you, or how much I need you. You won’t be able to remember the way I look at you, with such admiration. You are mine, and even if you wake up, and don’t remember a single thing about me, I’ll do whatever you want. But you have to understand, it might be too hard for me. And that isn’t because I don’t want to fight for you, because I damn sure do. But because this whole thing is my fault. I should be the one in the hospital bed, I should be the one who had to go through all that pain. God, I am such an idiot.” He mumbles and I know tears are ready to freefall. I shuffle quietly in my ‘sleep’ and slowly turn to him, with a confused look on my face.