Feeling This (Ashton Irwin)

twenty four - marriage

“I’m sorry, Lauren. I could only be here for a day or so. We’re leaving for tour like Friday, I really need to get back home.”

“Don’t leave me.” She cries, clutching onto Ashton. His arms wrapped in a protective manner around her shoulders. I could see how much he didn’t want to leave them. He left them once, he didn’t want to abandon them again.

“I’m sorry, I don’t want to leave.” His voice cracked and I could tell he was struggling to stay strong for her.

Suddenly I have a great idea, “Hey Lauren, would you want to visit Ashton on tour?” I ask her while rubbing her back. I was going to come visit them at some point, so it only made sense that I brought her with me.

“I would love that.” She responds, a smile immediately lighting up her face.

“I think we can make that happen then, sometime I’ll take you to one of their shows. Harry can come too, if he wants.”

“Thanks so much.” She whispers to me, “He misses Ashton, he’s too stubborn to admit it.” She gives me one final hug before we jump in the car and head back home.

We tried to say goodbye to Harry and his aunt but that was just a mess. Neither one of them wanted anything to do with us at that point, and I was feeling Ashton’s pain.

We had both been cast out, again and again. I thought that I had it hard, but knowing that you can have happiness and then having it totally ripped away from you. It was just devastating to watch.

It was silent for far too long and honestly it was killing me. We hadn’t even been there for a full 24-hours and it was both a success and a failure.

“Ashton…” I notice how white his knuckles have become, clenched together in anger probably. I take hold of his hand and he instantly calms down. “It’s going to be okay…”

“No, it’s not. My aunt’s not even talking to me, Harry didn’t say a single word to me! I’m such a disappointment, Zoe Lee. How can I expect others to respect me if I can’t even respect myself?”

“Lauren was thrilled to see you, and Harry’s going to come around. He’s still young, he just needs time to understand this all. Your aunt is a prick, she doesn’t get to say things like that about you.”

“I guess you’re right.”

“Course I am.”

“Thanks, for making me feel better. I don’t know how I’m going to live without you on the road.” His voice becoming shaky again.

“I don’t want to think about it, it’s only a few days away. I just want to lock myself in my room with you and not come out until we have to leave.” I try to find the positive in this all, but I don’t think there was much of it to be found.

“Do you have your flat already picked out?” He questioned.

“Yeah, it’s really nice actually. We were able to get one right in the city which is perfect. Normally they’re very expensive but since the three of us are-”

“Three?”

“Yeah? Troye and Catty.”

“You’re taking both with you?”

“Catty hates Australia she wants to travel, Troye wants to be there for his career. Makes sense?”

“Seems like you’re taking everyone but me.” He mumbled harshly.

“Not like I have much choice. Do you want me to be miserable while you’re away? Stuff doesn’t just fall into place for everyone, Ash, some of us have to go through a lot to get to where we want to be. I have to go to school and I might not even get a job that I’m looking for after that! You already have your life set out for you!”

“Don’t go to school, come on tour with me! I can support both of us.”

“What happens if we break up? Then who’s going to support me?”

“We aren’t going to break up.”

“You realize if we never break up, we’d get married one day.”

“Do you not want to get married?”

“You do?”

“I wouldn’t mind if it was to you.”

“You’re insane.” We’re too young to be even thinking about this right now.

“No I’m not! Marriage is a completely logical thing!”

“We’re going to be apart for months, and you’re dropping the ‘marriage’ bomb on me?”

“I want to marry you some day! Why is that so difficult for you to get through your head?”

I adjust my headphones, blasting the music through my ears to tune him out. Maybe I was just in denial or I didn’t want to be thinking about this now, but I did not want to have this discussion. He tries to take my hand in his, but I move as far away as I possibly can. “I’m done. I’m going to sleep. Wake me when you wanna switch drivers.”

-

I knew we were nearly home now, Ashton had driven the whole way and I was awake the entire time. I heard him sigh deeply in comparison to my standard breaths. Marriage was just… I didn’t want marriage. In my opinion, marriage wasn’t something that works out. All of the relationship seemed to be ruined after marriage. I want Ashton, now and forever, but was I willing to marry him, if that’s what he wanted?

“Zoe Lee… I know you’ve been awake this entire time, but if you want to pretend like you’re asleep, that’s fine. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I have no doubt in that. Whether it’s through marriage, or just being together, it’s up to you. I love you, and nothing is ever going to change that. I want you to be successful, and I’m broken up about you leaving, but it’s the right thing for you. I’m happy for you.”

And I could feel his teary hazel eyes, waiting and praying for me to say something. But I stayed silent, too scared to say anything, and eventually falling fully asleep beside a disappointed Ashton.

a/n

i don't even have an excuse for why this is so late ive just had major writers block

and this chapter is literally shit but i felt bad for not posting anything 

this wasnt even planned it just kind of happened lol 

ok see you hopefully tommorow 

(prbly not lets be real)