Cold Colours (EDITING)

Loss (2.O)

"(Y/N)! Slow down you're going to fast!"

My mothers laugh fills my ears as she runs behind me. Me being on a bike I was naturally faster than her, and, well, I do admit to going faster than I actually needed to...

"Mom hurry up!" I tell playfully, glancing back at her with a wide smile. She chuckles and shakes her head, picking up speed.

"You're killing me here!" I laugh at my mom's words and slow down, coming to a crawl. My mother quickly catches up to the slow movements of the bike, her hair everywhere as it always tended to get and her breathing heavy. "You will be the death of me..."

-

(Y/N)'s POV

It was a nice day. The sky was blue. The sun was out. There wasn't a cloud to be seen in the sky.

Overall it was a nice day for a burial.

I stand beside Levi and (F/N), a tissue gripped tightly in one fist as the other was wrapped around (F/N)'s. My blood was pumping, oddly enough as I felt colder than I had every felt before.

In front of me was my mother's grave. It stood alone in it's own plot, her name printed across the front like a title of a book. In a way, I guess that is exactly what it was.

Two feet in front of me. That was how far away my mother rested.

Six feet below me. That was how far she would rest for eternity.

My brain was in overdrive, running through scenario after scenario. How did this happen to me? My mother died and I wasn't beside her to hold her hand.

Why?

Because I am a bad daughter. She was so pure... and I was so corrupt. How was I her offspring? It made no sense.

My mother was the kind of women who put her life on the line for others. She was highly respected and highly valued in the small community she inhabited. When she died, the uproar it caused was phenomenal.

If I could count how many people were at her funeral...

Most of them I didn't even know. People from my mothers childhood, her family I had never met, all gathered in one place to pay their respects to a women I seemed to know so little about. She was loved by everyone.

Now she was gone.

The realization made my lip quiver for the hundredth time today. I felt my chest shake, rising and falling rapidly with my silent sobs.

The tissue I held up to my eyes couldn't contain the feeling. It flowed out of me like a river, tear stains and puffy eyelids left in its place.

Grief was a strong thing, I had decided. Standing in the middle of a graveyard with my mother in front of me, it was the strongest feelings I had felt in a long time. It was like a boulder. A rock that suddenly hits your chest really hard, leaving a crater in its place.

The weirdest thing?

With grief came silence.

Standing there, trees rising high above us and the sky laying above us, we were all silent. Like a contract had been signed not one of us dared to speak. Not one of us even took in breath to mutter a word.

The effect was a distance. All four of the remaining grievers felt a distance forming between themselves and me. I felt it, I was sure the rest felt it. To me it was a chasm of emotions I was never going to cross again.

In truth, I guess that chasm has been forming for days now. Knowing I was the one that killed my mother didn't help much.

I was such a terrible daughter. I couldn't save my mother. I couldn't same my father.

I can't even save myself.

So don't.

Tears pool and pour out of my eyes, the sudden voice pulling me away from my mind. A blessing amongst nothing but curses.

If you don't seek out life, let death take you once and for all.

A familiar man was suddenly in front of me, leaning against my mothers grave like it meant nothing. His clothes were the same as before. His eyes were the same as before. He was the exact same. He never changed.

He never gave up.

Day after day. Night after night. Blow after blow. He threw them at me whenever he could, sending me into whirlwinds of depression that Levi and (F/N) have had to pull me out of before it was too late.

He was ruining everything. If only I could blame my mother's death on him too...

Just give up already! You're mothers dead because of you. You can't eat. You can't sleep. You can't drink. You're dying and you know it. Just end it!

He let out a huff and glares at me slightly, his black and red eyes narrowing. He was intimidating...

"No..." I whisper softly, breaking the small restraint that held all of our breathes with it.

Suddenly a hand was wrapped around my own. It's warmth radiated onto mine and sent strength up my arm and straight to my arm.

I didn't even have to glance to know it was Levi.

"Let's go (Y/N)." He whispers softly. His thumb was rubbing my knuckles softly, soft skin running over taunt skin that needed a little meat between it and the bone. "This isn't good for you right now."

I sniffle, wiping at my nose and pulling my arm away.

"Nothing is good for me right now..." I whisper, running my hands through my hair. My eyes run over the grave once more, memorizing every little detail before turning from it.

My heels sink slightly in the dirt as I step away from my mothers grave, for once feeling completely and truly like I didn't deserve to be here.

Levi lets out a sigh, turning to Eren and (F/N).

I don't even turn around.

A chasm is a chasm, and it will always and forever be too wide to cross.