Becoming Adamant [#1]

Chapter 25 - Leave Me The Hell Alone!

I guess there you have it: I can only become someone similar to whom I used to be. Apparently I can never be the same. I’ve taken several deep breaths in attempts to accept it, but I don’t. I don’t like this one bit at all. I used to be the feisty girl without a damn reason why. I did what I did because I simply could, but now, it’s like I have a reason to be the way I am. It’s the Games, the Capitol, the President…they’re all a part of my life…actually, they butted their ways into a part of my life and I have to live with it. I have to live with it no matter how much I actually hate it! I hate the President! I hate the attention I’ve been given as a victor. I’m rich and famous and all of that…but I’m also a killer! That is something I can’t live with.

I haven’t suffered any major injuries in the Arena. I mean, obviously that’s why I ended up as the last one standing, but still, I did get injured in there. Remember the two mutts that bit me? In the same arm, at the exact same spot? Well, let me just tell you that whatever markings I had from that, they’re all gone. It’s like I’ve never been anywhere with flesh-eating bastards biting me. Any ignorant person would never suspect me having been to a place like the Arena. But if they were taking a walk inside my head, they’d see all the mental scars, because trust me, they exist. Blight’s bound to see it because he’s been there once himself. Others will also notice I’m sure, perhaps not Dess, who by the way has been in here a couple of times whenever he’s had the chance. I’d rather he didn’t, but who the hell am I to voice an opinion?

I sit on the bed with my knees tightly up against my chest and hold Axel’s picture in front of me when Dess walks in. I’d expect Blight to come in at this time of the day, but I’m guessing he’s got a lot to digest after our ‘little talk’ earlier. “How are you doing, Feisty?” He then asks me. I close my eyes and blankly ignore him. I don’t like that nickname anymore. It’s got a whole new ring to it since the Games and it’s the kind of association that I don’t want! I simply give him a deep sigh of frustration as I keep staring at the picture. God, I can’t wait to get home right now. I seriously need to talk to Axel, to get through all of this. In here, nobody gets me, not even Blight! I mean sure, he’s been here before, but for some stupid reason, he doesn’t get how I feel!

“Sylvia, are you in there?” James then asks me as he sits down on one of the chairs. I finally let out a deep breath as I look at him. “Finally, you found your way to using my real name. You think you can stick to that?” I then ask him annoyed. He simply nods at me. “So that’s the mood we’re going by today…” He lets out as he takes a deep breath himself. I roll my eyes annoyed at him. “Don’t start…” I warn him as I see him simply put his hands up in surrender. A few seconds later Blight enters room. Oh, this is just great, isn’t it? “How are you feeling today, kid?” He then asks me. God, what is it with men and not using my goddamn name?! “I have a name, old man.” I then let out grumpily. I hear him sigh deeply. “Fine, Sylvia!” He answers back trying to get a response from me, but I don’t give him one.

“I hear from the doctor, that you’re just about ready to get out of the hospital.” He then continues. “Even better, I’ve been ready to get out of the Capitol for over a week!” I then answer with a sarcastic tone! He sighs deeply. “And why am I not surprised to hear that response?” He then asks me before he motions to Dess for a few private words. I don’t really try to listen. I really couldn’t care less. “However, before you can go home, you have one last thing to attend to before they send you home.” Blight then says once the attention is back on me. There’s really no way to hide my ‘excitement’ over this. I know what’s up next. “The interview Kellerman…oh sweet joy!” I let out even more sarcastic than earlier. “I have to tell them all about the Games that I want to forget and then come back in six months and do the exact same thing…which I don’t want!” I know the next six months like that.

“Aren’t you smiling bright?” Blight lets out after a while. “It’s the last thing you have to do before going home.” James Dess then adds, but I look more at Blight. “This ‘smile’ right here, that’s the biggest one I’ve got right now.” I say as Blight gets this special look on his face.  I see him ask for a few moments alone with me as Dess then leaves the room. Here we go again. “Listen, kid, you don’t get to choose to wear a big smile, you wear one and that’s it! Whatever they want you to do, you do it!” He says in a serious voice, but I’m not scared by it anymore. I mean, I’ve been in a freaking Arena for crying out loud! “I don’t care, Blight! They’ve taken too much from me already!”

I hear him sigh deeply in frustration as he takes a few steps away from me, but then turns around. “I know they have, and they are going to take a whole lot more from you, if you don’t quit this arrogant act you’ve got going on! From now on, you don’t get to decide a damn thing! They do!” He says as he has to catch a break to cough. I’ve noticed he’s been coughing a whole lot more than before the Games. Clearly he’s gotten worse. Not that it’s helping much on my end. “They decide everything…hell, why do you think I got in to drinking in the first place? I hated that stuff, but I hated being controlled even more.” Blight then lets out. Okay, newsflash, Blight hasn’t actually been into drinking by choice. But hell, I can’t do the same now, can I? “Well, I can’t just go on and drink my problems away now, can I?” I then challenge him.

“Drinking doesn’t help you with this, kid. Nothing does…the Capitol will make your life hell and there’s really no way you can handle it any way reasonable.” He then says to me. “Then why don’t they just go ahead then? What the hell is stopping them?!” I then ask Blight as he simply turns silent and starts walking back and forth again. He’s constantly shaking his head as he does. I can’t stand it though. “They have already made my life into a living hell! I have killed people, and they actually made me enjoy that last one! They have turned me into something that I know my family will be scared of!” I then say to him as I make him stop and listen.

I catch my breath as I make sure he sees the pain in my eyes. It shouldn’t be too hard to find. “If I had died in that Arena, at least those I fought for would know that I gave my everything until the end…but now, they’re thinking I’m a killer… a murderer! I’m damaged for good. What can possibly be worse than that?” I then ask him as he stands still for a moment. “The worst part when dealing with all of that is when you’re alone. The Capitol, they can make it all worse by forcing you to deal with it alone! No matter what you think about your situation and the way the Capitol is now a part of your life, you need people around you! And the best way to keep them around you is by doing what the Capitol wants!”

I take a deep breath as I stare back down on the picture in my hands. I know what Blight’s saying. I know damn well what he’s saying, but like hell am I going to accept it! Like hell am I going to accept that after having done all this crap to me, they’re going to be controlling me for the rest of my life! I’m not gonna be pushed around like an idiot! Hell, I’m freaking Sylvia Mason! I hate taking orders back home, and now I’m gonna take orders from the big guys simply because I won their Games!

This is so much bigger than just control. It’s about me! Me, I am a changed person forever and now they are going to control me. I need to be in control over me! And now, a guy from the Capitol is going to tell what I can, or should and shouldn’t do? For my entire life, I’ve had the most say of what I do and what I say in this life, and now that’s all over?