Becoming Adamant [#1]

Chapter 41 - Feeling A Moment

Obviously, because it’s damn late when I enter the train, I spend most of my time in my room. I just know that if I step out of that room and face, say James Dess, he’s going to give me one hell of a look that will make me feel a little less confident than I am and right now, I want to keep this feeling for as long as I can. Right now, the feeling that I have inside of me, is the best feeling I’ve had in my bones ever since I got reaped. I know that Talon is dead for my sake, Blight is dead…Axel is dead. Things won’t ever go back to what it once used to be, but I’m still here, and though I’ve felt like I’ve lost more pieces of myself, yesterday, I felt like I found some of them…my old self, well slightly old self. Knowing what I do know though, I might just lose those pieces in a matter of minutes or even seconds, but for now however, I wanna try and treasure them for as long as I possibly can. I’ve missed this feeling that I have. This feeling is of some sort of control over my situation and I’d rather keep it for as long as I can.

I sleep damn well through the night for the first time in a very long period of six months. It’s just that feeling that all the worries and the warnings in the back of my head have left me completely worn-out. The feeling of finally being on top since the reaping really helps in me trying to get some long-wanted sleep. When I wake up, I feel damn well rested. I take a deep breath and I feel light. Today I come home, like for real, I’m coming home.

I prolong the moment where I go out of my room. I know that going out to the main-area right now is just going to mess with the good vibe that I’m feeling right now. Instead, I stay in my room. I pull one of the chairs towards the window and I sit there, dragging my feet tight against my chest. I sit there staring out the window, feeling my heart pounding so hard because I know that every second that passes by, I’m one second closer to coming home at last. I remember being so worried that the changed version of me wouldn’t fit in. I was afraid to be seen as someone I wasn’t, which I know my family did at first after the Games. But now, I know I can make it, because partly I’ve found my way back to my old self.

The only thing I have to do back home is to make them believe it. I need them to know that what was going on with me after the Games…well, it’s still going on, but now I’m more in control over it. At least that’s how I feel about it. I just want things to go back to how it used to be, as much as possible of course. I need my little brother to be that annoying alarm-clock that I don’t throw against the wall, and  I need my parents to be overly worried about me because that’s what I’m used to. I’m not gonna get reaped again, but I know that my brother might. Oh God, I might end up mentoring him! Shit, I never imagined that!

I guess this makes me understand my parents a lot better. How they must have felt it all these years that I’ve been to the reaping. The worst part though, I won’t only get to know what it’s like to worry about my little brother. I also get to freaking mentor him! Me, I’m gonna be mentoring my innocent little brother. God, I remember how I despised myself when killing those tributes in the Arena, but that was me. Most people in 7 could almost imagine me like that either way. But my brother, he’s just…he’s just too innocent for all of it. I sigh deeply as these thoughts spin in my head.

After a little while of collecting myself, I gather the courage to put on some more daily clothes and walk out to the main-area. It’s almost so quiet when I get there that I all of a sudden start to think that I’m all along on this train. I distinctly remember that I wasn’t even the first one to board the train going to District 7. There’s got to be someone around here somewhere? Actually I don’t really want to find them, but at least they can prove that they’re in fact on the train. A few more minutes pass by before I make myself something to eat and drink as I now remember my stomach’s constant complaints from this morning. Yeah, yeah, shut up, I’m getting you food now, you see?