Becoming Adamant [#1]

Chapter 43 - Alone, But Not ALL Alone

I end up by the graveyard…that’s the only place I think of going when running out of that house. The rain is pouring down on me as I sit in front of three new graves in the front row. I don’t care about the rain, I don’t even freaking notice that it is raining. The only thing I care about is right in front of me: three wooden crosses with the name ‘Mason’ on each and every one of them. Sitting here like I do, I should probably be crying or even worse, screaming my lungs out at the freaking Capitol and the freaking President. It’s just that…I’m too out of breath. I’m too tired, and I’m too weak I…hell, I shouldn’t have won those damn Games! Nothing good has come out of it! To those of you fighting to survive: you’re much better off dead!

Blight never told me that when he asked me to win the Games. He didn’t freaking tell me about any of this! ‘Thank you so much for the freaking heads up, Blight!’ I think to myself as I cast a glance towards his grave, where all the fallen tributes are. Sure, he didn’t die as a tribute, but he was a tribute once so I guess it’s only suitable. That freaking bastard had to die, leaving me no clue whatsoever regarding this freak-show! All of this, I have to do it on my own now!

I couldn’t see the damn warnings when they were right in front of me all the damn time! I mean, Finnick warned me off, Dess warned me off…even before he died, Blight warned me off! If Blight was still here, he would’ve seen all the signs, he would’ve warned me so bad that I would actually listen and act accordingly. He was the only person that I’ve actually listened to. But he wasn’t. He wasn’t there to annoy the hell out of me, but at the same time help me protect my family. He wasn’t there when I called all the shots during the Tour, in the Capitol and regarding the President’s offer. I’ve been so freaking arrogant!

I bury my face in my hands and my entire body just starts shaking violently. It’s the cold…it has to be the cold, I tell myself. I know I’m wrong. I know it’s way more than just the cold, but I don’t care. I don’t freaking care! The only reason I ever cared, was because I had family and friends to care for. Now that they’re gone, what reason do I have left to care for anything at this point?!

I mean sure, now I have the greatest ‘advantage’ of them all against the President: he can’t hurt me no more. Yey for that…actually, no! Now, I have to deal with all of it on my own. And the President knows damn well, just like me, that I made a choice and that this is what it led to. It was either taking the ‘job’ or living the rest of my life on my own. I was just too stupid to actually realize this. I can be so goddamn smart in the aftermath, but that doesn’t freaking help now, does it?! Freaking genius, Sylvia Mason, absolutely fantastic! Of course you have to go around with this thought that, ‘you’re special’, ‘you’re not like anybody in the District’!

You know what? Talon had it right in the Arena all along: I’m not special. I’m just like the rest.

I pull my head up slightly and I look at the roses and the little teddy-bear, which is now soaked all the way through and almost ruined. I pull it slightly together as I place the teddy-bear on my little brother’s grave. He never slept without it. Now, in his eternal rest six feet under, he’s still not gonna be resting without it. At least I could make sure of that. As to the three white roses in my hand, I have no idea what to do with them. I’m sure as hell not gonna put them on the graves! These are symbols of the Capitol, of the President!

As I sit there fiddling them, inside my head, I imagine the roses to be the head of the President. In my blind anger and sorrow, I twitch all of the heads. Three roses are far from enough to even begin to compensate for what I actually want to do with the real President’s head. I want him in front of me so that I can damn well snap his head and make him pay for this! More than anything, I want revenge for what he has done to my family. For what he’s making all victors do for that matter. I may never live to see that moment come, but if I do, I’m gonna make damn sure to be a part of it! Hell, I’m gonna make damn sure to enjoy it!