Becoming Adamant [#1]

Chapter 44 - The Delayed Letter

I wake up the next day on the couch in the living room. I don’t think I remember ever falling asleep, but then again, yesterday is still blurry for me. Never before have I slept in the living room, but the moment I wake up and look at the walls, I can feel this weight of emptiness press down on my chest. The pictures on the walls, serve as reminders of a time where I had a family, when I had someone to take care of me when I needed to be taken care off. As I then look back down on my feet, I feel more alone than ever!

I’m on the verge of getting up on my feet, but I don’t even know if they’ll be able to carry me with all of this weight that I’ve got on my shoulders and in my chest. I don’t know if my feet are strong enough. They’ll have to be at some point, but right now, I have serious doubts that they are. It’s probably got something to do with the fact that I’m facing the kitchen, and I don’t really want to be looking in that direction. That’s where my mother would cook dinner, my dad would sit by the table and my little brother would run around the table just to annoy me. But they’re not there. They’ll never be there anymore. The emptiness just has this way of crushing me.

That’s until I do hear someone run down the stairs and my hopes suddenly rises; a part of me just wishing that what yesterday brought was just one of those nightmares. As soon as I see Dess however, my spirit dives down and I’m slightly disappointed. Not that Dess came down the stairs, but the fact that it wasn’t my father. I guess Dess notices. “I’m sorry to disappoint you…” He says as he walks over and sits down next to me. “For a second there I thought that yesterday was just one of those nightmares…but then you came around the corner and I realized that it wasn’t.” I answer. Dess simply nods. “I’m really sorry about that…” James says, but I cut him off. “Stop saying that…” I start. “I brought this on myself.”

Oh, come on, I dare you tell me that I’m wrong! I was being too damn arrogant in the Capitol about everything. I acted as if I was the one pulling the strings. It took me this to realize that I wasn’t. I never was! Now, I’ve paid the ultimate price of arrogance like never before. “I was too arrogant in the Capitol. I’ve never really paid for it in the past, but now…with the most important people in my life on the line, I played too arrogant to fight for them for real.” I manage to say as I now stand in front of Dess with a picture of my family in my hands. He doesn’t say much…actually he doesn’t say anything. I don’t really want or expect him to. I’ve stopped with the whole expecting thing…there’s only one person I can truly rely on in this life, and that’s myself.

I stand there with that picture in my hand in utter silence as the only thing to break the silence is the sound of Dess’ watch beeping. Whatever it is, it signalizes something, and I fear I won’t like it. “That was from the train…it’s ready to leave for real this time.” Dess points out. I nod my head slowly as he gets up right in front of me and puts his hand on my shoulder. Normally I wouldn’t let anyone touch me, but at this vulnerable state of mind, I don’t react. I only turn my head up towards him. “I’ll see you at the next reaping…” He says. Is that it? Is that all you have got to say to me, Dess? Well, I supposed I can’t blame him, we’re both kind of a in a loss for words. “Uhm, yeah…I guess so.”

I don’t walk him to train-station this time…actually the more correct thing to say would be that I can’t. The road back to the big empty house is so long, and now even tougher than before. I wonder if I’ll ever manage to find my way back or if I’ll just end up on some side-road on the way…yeah, I would definitely just crash down without anybody bothering to pick me up and carry me back home. There’s nobody left here that I know…well, everybody knows of me, but they don’t actually know me, and I don’t know them. At the same time, sitting in this empty living-room is something that I can’t be doing. Just like in the Capitol, I’m suffocating in here. If I stay any longer, my chest is bound to explode.