Becoming Adamant [#1]

Chapter 35 - And Then There Was The Tour

So I sit in my room that last week before the Tour and let me tell you: it goes by in a blur. In fact, the day the Tour actually starts, I feel like the President called me only a few minutes ago. By the way, I haven’t told anyone about it. No matter how hard I try to, suppressing this isn’t something I do very well, and it’s not good for my own health either. Hell, this is what I always do and then it comes right back to slap me in the face when I sleep. My nightmares still contains of the bloody tributes, whose intimidation rate has gone down over the last six months, but what really brings the sweat now, is the Capitol-men grabbing every single limb of mine.

I wake up in a cold-sweat about it. That last week of supposed freedom is filled with those nightmares. Every time I wake up, I find myself burying my face in my hands. This night is no different as I breathe heavily having just woken up. I don’t want to fall asleep again. At the same time, I know that I need it. From tomorrow on, I have to gather whatever strength I have to put up some sort of mask to get through all of this crap. Most people know my true self, but I still feel like I need some sort of mask to conceal the real me, for it to not be infected by the Capitol. On top of that, Snow’s offer is hanging over my head, and I really don’t know what to do with it.

I wake up the next morning sighing deeply. I do that several times actually because I know now that it all begins. The Capitol is once again going start to pick little pieces of me…pieces that I’ll probably spend my entire life trying to find again. Today they start: by the interview live, with Kellerman. ‘Kicking off the Tour’ is what they say. I know what I would like to kick, but that doesn’t matter. No matter how much I despise all of this, because you know, I’m Sylvia Mason, I gotta suck it up and deal with it. You know, the attention after winning the Games and all that. You can bet I’m gonna hate all of this even more than the actual Games!

About the Tour itself, I’m not actually nervous. I don’t feel like I have any restraints…other than Snow’s offer which continues to sneak its way through the backdoor of my mind. Well, that offer doesn’t make me nervous, it freaking makes me piss in my pants! You understand why I’ve been having nightmares which don’t actually contain the actual Games, but the Capitol. In twelve days, I’m sure Snow is expecting me to have an answer for him…actually he’s expecting me to have the answer he wants. I have a certain idea of what he’ll do if I don’t. I’m willing to bet my sweet ass that’s what’s got Finnick doing what he’s doing…keeping the ones he loves around. Trust me, I do understand the logic, it's his desperate actions to not live in an empty house…I just don’t know if I can do that.

“Hey, Sylvia, they’re almost ready for you.” I hear Dess say from downstairs as the designers have now finally finished off my styling. I feel lucky for finally being dragged away from them. They always keep on with their jibber-jabber which I don’t really care for at all! On top of that, despite the fact that I don’t have to wear anything too fancy, they still get to poison me with their Capitol-cleanness and smell and…well, everything! So when James calls me down, I’m actually relieved on the inside: at least he reminds of a normal human being…sort of.

“You ready for this?” He asks me as I come down the stairs. I see my family barely, sitting in the kitchen as they simply watch me do all of this…circus/freak-show, call it whatever you want. Back to James though: am I ready? Am I ever ready for this?! No, not really. When it comes to being in front of the entire nation, I’m never ready. “Oh boy, am I!” I say just a little too enthusiastic. James throws me a surrendered look. “For your information, I do know your sarcasm…any level of sarcasm that you’ve got. You really don’t have to overdo it.”

I almost find myself shrugging at his comment. Just in that moment, he sounded so much like Blight. It does sting, it really does because I could really use my poor excuse of a mentor right now, but it’s up to James to be the wise-guy because I know and he knows, that I don’t plan on being the smart one. I’m the loose cannon and James gets the pleasure of trying to aim it the right way. That’ll be exciting.