Becoming Adamant [#1]

Chapter 30 - A Cry For Help

I talk a little further with Blight before I gather the courage to walk out the door and back towards my own house. I can smell the warm dinner through the open window in the back, and it actually reminds me that I am hungry. I barely ate what they put out for me for breakfast and I’m pretty sure dinner is just about ready. God, I can’t wait! Well, that’s what my stomach’s telling me anyways. Wait a minute, dinner…a perfect timing to talk, I think. Well, more in the terms of ‘I hope’.

Standing outside the house letting that though get to me, I just can’t help but feeling that I’m gonna stop myself halfway again. The tough Sylvia Mason is actually a scared little girl when it comes to this. Normally I’m not this nervous when I’m out to convince someone of something, but this means so much more than just a simple talk-down at school. I need them to understand that I am…that I want to be the same girl that I was before, because I don’t know who I am anymore.

I open the door and step inside and I immediately notice my mother’s hesitant look at me when she’s greeting me. “Welcome home, honey, dinner’s almost ready.” I nod slightly smiling as I then hear my father come down the steps from wherever. “Hey, kiddo. How was your day?” He then asks me. It’s like he too is afraid of me. “Uhm, good, I spent some time with Blight…again.” I manage to say as that’s the only place I’ve gone to if I haven’t been here. My father nods. “How is he doing?” He then asks me. Small-talk, well, not my kind of talking, but I have to. “He’s still alive…so I guess he’s doing well enough.” I let out simply as I hang my coat on the stand as we’re both ushered by my mother to the kitchen.

We all sit there by the table: me, Sharp, mum and dad, we all sit there…in silence. Nobody says a freaking word as the forks and knives hit the plate. I look up at them once or twice, but I can’t seem to get started. I can’t seem to find the right words. Instead I end up putting more food in my mouth, more than what’s even good for me after a while. Sharp leaves the table pretty fast and I’m sitting there alone with them. I guess this is my queue, isn’t it? “Okay, I can’t take this anymore…this silence, the looks…Can you please just say something, anything?” I let the frustration get to me at that last part. They face me as I’ve said it. Well, I don’t know what to say next, this was just in the moment, kind of.

“We haven’t known what to say or…” My father starts as I sense tears appearing in my eyes. “Well, neither do I! But…it feels like you’re all scared of me. Like you’re scared of the girl you saw in the Games…I’m not that girl! I’m just a little girl…I’m your girl!” I take a few deep breaths as I gather words. They’re finally coming now. “I need you to see me like that.” I then said. There it is, in the open. I said the first words. Now it’s their turn. Well, here there’s nothing but silence again. My mum and dad don’t say a damn thing! Come on, say something!

But they don’t. Have I caught them off guard? Have I come out too abruptly? I look at them and they seem too paralyzed. No words are coming. I might’ve let the cat out of the bag a little too early. I sigh deeply as I put the plate in the dish and walk up to my room, close the door, and sit on the bed with the pillow pressed against my chest. I’ve taken Blight’s brilliant advice and applied it. Now it’s their freaking turn to say something. It’s their turn to help me!

I’ve cried a little on to my pillow as I sit there. After a short moment, I open one of the drawers on the night table and hold Axel’s picture in my hand. I’m about to sob even more as I start to think about him. Why the hell did they have to kill you?! Of all the people in my life, they killed you! I know if you were here, you’d understand me, you’d talk to me and pull me through the darkness that I’m at. You wouldn’t see the girl from the Arena, you would see the scared innocent girl that I was from before that. You’d know better than anyone that I’m just carrying a lot of battle scars.

As I sit there locked on to his picture, I hear the door open. At last! My mum and dad stand in the doorway as Sharp comes up next to them and stands right there. I take a deep breath of relief as I see them standing there. Thank God, I really need this. I really need them! These couple of weeks has been torturous as hell, especially since I’ve been in this room for too long on my own. “We’ve not been good with you since you came back…not as good as we should’ve been.” My father says as he and my mother sit down on each side of me on the bed. My mother’s patting me on the back, and that’s all it takes for me before I lean on her shoulder and she puts her arms around me. Sharp joins in as well, with an actual hug. Usually I’m not the type. Usually I hate this type of intimacy, but right now, I need it more than ever.

I can’t hold back my sobbing. I’m letting out so much that I’ve kept locked away, and now it’s just pouring out of me. Sharp and my father hold me as well, but it’s mostly my mother who’s rocking me back and forth in a slow and comforting rhythm. This is exactly what I need, right now. As I manage to calm down slightly, I back away a little bit from my mother as I catch her wiping a tear off my face as she sees the picture of Axel that I’m holding. She kisses my forehead in the process, and then I start crying again. This time, it’s purely and only, for the loss of my best friend.

We sit like that for a little while before I once again manage to back away. “We’re so sorry for not reaching out. It’s obvious that you’ve needed us to for quite some time. We just didn’t know how.” My mother then says as I briefly look at her. I look over at all of them before my look goes down on my hands. “I haven’t known what to do…what to say to any of you either. I’ve been talking to Blight…he’s been telling me past couple of weeks that I’m gonna need you, that I needed to talk to you to get back someone similar to my old self.” I manage to say before I lean against my father and wraps his arms around me.

“He is a wise man, sweetie. The things that you’ve been through, what you’ve been forced to, at your age, isn’t easy. You’re just a kid…” He says as I then throw my arms around his neck and just hug him. None of this is easy, that’s the thing. That’s why I need all three of you! I need the help to get back up on my feet. I separate from him as I breathe short breaths. “I’m…I’m trying to get back to my old self…” I say, but I have to stop because the words escape me. Damn it, just when I’m in this emotional spot, I need the right words!

“I can’t find myself…the Games, it stole several pieces of who I used to be and now…now I can’t find them.” I manage to get out, though those words weren’t the original ones that I had imagined. My father just puts his arms around me and holds me tight as I see Sharp sitting there just in silence. That’s when I remember what I missed more than anything in the Capitol. I manage to release myself from my father’s arms as I motion my brother to come closer. “You know, one of the things I missed the most when I was away…was my alarm-clock. The one I never threw against the wall?” I say with the only smile I can muster as he smiles and comes to hug. Well, I’ll give him one more thing: he knows how to make me hate hugs. I can barely breathe.

We break off the hug as I look back on my parents again. “I need help…from all of you. I can’t do this on my own. Blight’s going to die very soon and you’re the ones left here.” I let out as I look down on the bed. They both pat me on the back at the same time and I’m about break down once more just there and then. This isn’t me, normally, but when you’ve been to the Games, everything changes! “We will do our best…we’ll do our very best to help you.” My mother says as I keep on crying and she and my dad just keep holding me. In the end, Sharp joins in, and we’re all in one big hug, sentered around me.

I haven’t been the type to need anyone in my life, apart from Axel, but now, I need them. I need them more than anything…they’re my family.