Becoming Adamant [#1]

Chapter 45 - Adamant

Six months later
The rest of the letter only contains a list of tips as to how to I should be performing my mentoring role in the next Games that comes up. I remember before reading it that I had so many question regarding the sponsors and how to advice on my tributes during the Games. However, whatever questions I did have, Blight has answered most of them in the letter. Some things I have to find out as I go I’ve learned, but the most basic stuff is in that letter.

I can still feel the emptiness of my existence despite the fact that it has been six months since I came back from the Tour. Even back then I knew it wouldn’t just go away in this short amount of time. It might take me a lifetime before I can even get to the acceptance part of this being my life. But that’s a hard thing to do when I keep locking in on myself. I’m bound to live this empty and lonely life as I’m too afraid to connect to anyone because of what they might become to the President Snow: a weakness of mine. I know the President would prefer it if I had one, because then he knows that I would everything in my power to keep whoever that was alive. I’ve learned my lesson the hard way.

It’s early fall in the District and it’s getting closer to the reaping for the 67th Games. Actually, the reaping is just around the corner as I’ve spent many of my last days just watching over the Mayor’s Building from the top of the hill where the entrance to the Victor’s Village is. Right now they’re setting up the stage and big screens. I won’t be here to watch it myself. I get to see all of this from the train and theirs is also where I’ll be meeting my first set of tributes for the first time.

For me it doesn’t really matter if I meet them down there or in the train. I have one major objective regarding my tributes: I will not get attached to any of them! It was a rule that Blight had written down in that letter and I’m stick to it by the letter. Ironically though, Blight broke that rule by getting connected with me on a slightly deeper level than with Talon, but I’m not gonna fail on it. I’ve lost far too much to even care about the tributes anymore. It’s a sad thing really: here they are, freshly reaped tributes about to be mentored by a 15 year old girl, whose only wish is to get it all over with. I don’t even care about the freaking persons anymore!

The sad fact is that I barely care about anything or anyone anymore. During these last things months I’ve learned that caring about something or someone is just another way to portray a weakness or a flaw in my character. I’ve had enough with the whole weakling act from my days as a tribute. It was literally hell going through that. Now that I actually have been robbed for everything and everyone that ever mattered to me, I am in fact weak! Well, no, actually I’m fiercely stronger and braver than I’ve ever been! They took everything that I had: my own self, Axel, my family…as if taking all the other things away first wasn’t enough they just had to take my family away as well! Mark my words, President Snow: I will have the last laugh!

I am way stronger than I’ve ever been because now, I get to be exactly who I’ve always been. Right now, I’m stronger because I have nothing left to lose. I have all of my strength from my anger, my hatred towards the Capitol, and one day they will feel it. Those damn geniuses in the Capitol better freaking fear me now! Next to making me stronger and solid, they’ve made me angry as hell! Whenever I get the opportunity to freaking show it, trust me, they’re gonna see it…better yet, I’m gonna make sure that he sees it!

This is why I lock everything and everyone out! I’ve said it so many times already, but I’ve never been the soft type. I sure as hell don’t plan on becoming one either! I mean, I some point I did, but after having lost everything and everyone that I ever loved, screw that! I’m not gonna play nice Mason anymore, you hear me, Snow?! I’m gonna be so rock hard and dismissive towards everyone, that you won’t have shit against me ever again!

Sure I still have Finnick and Mags, which serve as good friends for my outlet from time to time, but they’re both victors as well. There isn’t any intimate attachment between me and them separately. Besides Snow would never touch two Capitol-adored victors, let alone will he ever touch me…again.

My name, is Sylvia freaking Mason and I’m the girl that has become more adamant than anyone in the entire crowd of Panem. I plan on staying this way for as long as I live!

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“Battle Cry” – Imagine Dragons
Just one more time before I go, I’ll let you know
That all this time I’ve been afraid wouldn’t let it show
Nobody can save me now
Nobody can save me now

Stars are only visible in darkness
Fear is ever-changing and evolving
And I, I feel poisoned inside
And I, I feel so alive

Nobody can save me now
The king is crowned, it’s do or die
Nobody can save me now
The only sound
Is the battle cry, the battle cry
Is the battle cry
Nobody can save me now
It’s do or die