~ Kaisee ~
It's been a few weeks since the trip to the beach. The middle of October was filled with wind and rain and tests and homework. I could hardly bring myself to wake up in the morning.
But this was nothing new... and I did it anyways. Each day was the same old bullshit.... just like the day before and the day before that. And the situation didn't do anything to help it. I dreaded the winter.
I fucking hate everything.
Anyways... I had been seeing my grandmother more often these days, I wanted some sort of motherly feeling.... I went on Friday night and returned Saturday night, I did some homework, but mostly just spent time with her, helping her with cooking and cleaning and everything.
Everything is crappy these days, and my mood's taken a sharp turn.
I kinda just wanted to stand on a desk, yell some curse words and march the fuck out of this hellhole but then I'd ruin my future and whatnot. I had sorta lost contact with my friends from California too... I guess we could reconcile when I got back, but things are ever-changing I don't know what's going on in their heads.
I don't even know what's going on in my head. I've been concerned about Jennie, but I like the way things are with Mark. And both effect the other. Jennie's tired of third wheeling, I knew this would happen.
The only way to really fix both of our relationships with Jennie, is to act less couple-y... which I don't really want to do. It makes me think: who would I rather lose?
The details were fuzzy but honestly only one thing was clear to me..... I regret getting into this relationship. Mark and I were better off as friends, but everything was off now. If I broke up with Mark, could we remain friends still?
I didn't want to break up with him though. Being with him made me happy, filled me with the sunshine and rainbows that I've lacked since I came to Korea. But like... hypothetically speaking... if we broke up, we'd never speak to each other again... and that's scary to think about—
But Jennie's at her breaking point. And that's going to be scary too. I truly don't believe that she's there yet, but what happened with the Monopoly there isn't even her maximum anger.
My head felt like it was submerged in water. Everything seemed to move slowly, and my thoughts were like pollution. I didn't like being on the verge of a breakdown like this...
I need Jennie, but I need Mark too. I also need to remain sane. And that was a checklist I could not complete.
Ugh... I want a distraction. I raised my hand and asked to go to the bathroom, giving the teacher my most desperate stare. When permission was given, I walked out of the room calmly. Jungkook looked at me on the way out of the classroom, he tilted his head and gave me a worried look. I really must look like a mess.
I locked the door to a stall, and leaned on the wall. Deep breath. I was approaching this situation with too much feeling and not enough logic. I needed to remember that nothing in Korea would be permanent. Though I'm not sure California is much better at this point... but let's not worry about that. Nothing here is permanent.
The obvious truth is that, I need Jennie more. A friend, to me, is more valuable than a boyfriend. Jennie would keep me sane.
