Remind Me Why I Love You

FIFTEEN

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Cam56tuna
~HEY HI
~UMM
~YEAH
~we do...

Lanacangetit
~could you wait for me for a while then
~you don't deserve this talk like this
~tell me where to meet you
~I'll set the date
~and that sounds bad, and I know that you would never want that huge thing... But listen. I want to talk to you face to face.
~and we have to do this
~please?

Cam56tuna
~what?
~oh
~well
~okay?
~how about... A library? In a big town? Like... Chicago is the closest to me...

Lanacangetit
~Lewis library in Illinois.
~At 1 PM
~In ten days
~see you Cami.

Cam56tuna
~...
~okay...?

---

My head never hurt more than in this moment. I was sure I was going crazy. How could Lana... Lauren? Do this? It's weird and it's just too much too handle.

I was twisting my feet in the melody of some random FOB song I put on. My headphones were tangled and I was staring at a dot of nothing on the walls of my room.

Laying on the bed in intense heat, my thoughts raced eachother like it was a competition.

I need to relax somehow.

Lauren...

She told me I would look good with bangs... And I want to look my best if I never met this girl I was supposed to meet.

Or... Lauren?

Oh geez, I hate them both for this.

I played a video on my laptop and sat on the floor with scissors. Not the good ones... But it was like I can't control myself anymore.

Something inside of me has taken over, and even if it was clear but foggy at the same time, my brain did what it wanted to do at this point.

The girl on the video started making small cuts and talking about something that was compleatly useless to me.

My fingers started following the girl's steps and everything seemed fine in my head.

And it really was. Really. I was feeling amazing. I'm doing something I want and I will meet the girl I was crazy over. The girl I was actually in love with in a way...

Oh...

Fuck!

I told her about how we might know eachoter? And Lauren was acting weird... And Lana didn't mention it... And...

I wrote that I liked her! I told her everything! I poured a piece of my soul into that message and now the after taste is as bitter as I thought it would be.

But I was still fine. I was still okay. I am okay. I really am...

-

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Group: Lauren J, Camila:)
-

Camila:)
~Heyoo Jerky, how's LA so far?

-

And nothing. A few days went by. Kelly asked me to hang out again but I kindly said no. The girls talked in the groupchat on their own, without me. I didn't bother to check the notifications. Lauren never responded. I never checked if she did after all that reloading.

And my dad was at work all the time. I was all alone all of those days. Remembering how nice it was before I gave Lauren that homework.

If only she was never sick at the first place. If only I kept thinking she was flirting with teachers and being homophobic. If only... If only I never saw Bobby.

If only this... If only that...
I got up from my bed and took a shower for the first time in a while. My bangs were a mess but somehow fit with my new style called 'depressed and dehydrated'.

The door of my room screethced while I got out and went to the kitchen to grab some chips.

I could really use some of that fancy food my dad's brother's family always brings when they visit.

Ugh... I always do this. And this summer was supposed to be different. I was supposed to be with... You know who.

But no. I was on my own again. Not being bothered by my phone blowing up with group chat texts from the girls. They really like eachoter.

Too bad I'll never fit in.

Only one year of having to see their faces again.

... What do I do with myself?