The ups and downs

The first snow

*pov if daisy*
It was a chill December 20th. I was surprised it hadn't snowed yet but when I hoped out of bed I saw tiny white specks falling from the sky. Beautiful. Another painful memory of my little brother when we took a trip to Colorado to ski.

He was both amazed and terrified. A Cali kid never saw snow. I remember building a mini snow man with him. Throwing snowballs at each other. And drinking hot cocoa. I smiled and shook my head. What an adorable kid he was.

I quickly got ready for classes. It was the last days of class until the 2nd of January. As I began to wake up I started to smile wide. Oli is coming. I let out a small squeal. I get to see "my love" I chuckled.

The day seemed to drag by. I headed out to lunch with Tyler and Josh. We got some soup. Pretty good soup. We didn't talk much but that's okay. I pulled out To Kill A Mockingbird and began to read.

I was shaken from my trans by Tyler. "Cmon flower girl. Let's go back to my place." I put away my book and smiled at him.

Tyler and Josh shared this amazing apartment. It had three rooms and was massive. It was beautiful and the view was breath-taking. Tyler turned on the fire place and sat down.

Josh went to his room to relax and Tyler patted a spot next to him. I gladly sat down," your apartment is amazing." I said "you say that every time." He said with a chuckle. "Well I mean have you seen mine?! It's so sketchy!" We both roared in laughter.

Eventually it was 9 pm and I decided to head home. Tyler and Josh both offered to take me but I said I wanted to walk. I'm dumb I know. But I guess I didn't care if I lived or died. I shook my head. No. You have Oli. Tyler. Josh. Then I laughed to myself. They won't miss you. Who would miss an ugly fat whale like you? The voice in my head hissed.

I lived like a 15 minute drive away from Tyler and Josh. I was nearly half way home and I was already 40 minutes in. I began to shiver and sniffle. Take the ride next time dumbass I thought to myself.

I got home around 45 minutes later. I hoped into the bathtub and took a nice warm long bath. I looked down at my wrist. The scars were healing. Too bad my mind isn't the same way. I got that feeling again. The one where my body aches for me to cut.

I shook my head but the thought came back. The pain to do it became stronger. You are worthless. You are gross. No one cares about you. You are the reason he died. Little Max died because of you. You're so selfish. Just do it. The voice drained everything else out of my head.

I got out of the tub and opened the medicine cabinet and was greeted by a box of new razor blades. I happily took one out. I sat on the toilet at stared at my wrist. Don't do this. You are better than this. Too bad my voice of reason wasn't loud enough.

I dug the blade into my wrists. Over. And over. And over again. I felt hot tears falling from my face. I dug deeper each time. Worthless. Fat. Ugly. Selfish. Weak. Stupid. Failure.

When I finally stopped I was covered in blood. So was my floor. I just sat there and watched the blood rapidly come out of each cut. I didn't move. I just let myself bleed.

I didn't realize how long I just sat there until I heard the front door open. I panicked and began to quickly clean the blood off the ground with toilet paper. "Babe! I'm here! B-babe? Where are you?" Shit. Shit. Shit.

My wrist were still flowing with blood. I took my towel off and covered the floor with it. I looked at my wrist. Stop bleeding please. Before I could get to the sink two large tattooed arms picked me up. "Caught my love getting o..." he stopped mid sentence when he saw the blood. The cuts.

He put me down and I quickly went to the sink and tried to rinse my wrist. He just stood there. I felt my eyes well up with tears. I pushed past him. I was still heavily bleeding. I put on a sports bra and some sweat pants to not be so. Naked. I wrapped my arms with gauze. If it doesn't stop by morning I'll need stitches. Fuck.

Oli stayed in the same place. I grabbed some bleach and began to clean everything up. I threw out the towel and stood up to face him. His face was a mix of anger, sorrow, and shock. I smiled at him but when I tried to say something I erupted with tears. I pushed past him and threw on a sweatshirt and went outside.

I took a deep breath. Calm down. It's fine. He was too good for you anyway. I ended up walking, without shoes, for around 10 blocks before I turned around.

I got back into my apartment and Oli wasn't there. I sat on the couch and cried. I scared him away. The one good thing. I scared away.

Around five minutes later he barged back in all sweaty. "What the fuck was that?! You fucking slit your wrist and run away! What the fuck is wrong with you! WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!! Are you not fucking happy?! Have you fucking done something!" Oli roared at me. I began to shake. He sounded like my father. I instinctively went into a corner far away from him.

He was still fuming with anger," ANSWER ME! I CANNOT FUCKING BELIEVE YOU!" He looked defeated," I fucking love you and this, THIS is what you do!" He shook his head and started to move close to me. I felt an anxiety attack come over me quickly. H-he won't hurt me...wo-would he?

All I managed to mumble out before he reached me was a meek "Please don't hurt me." I covered my face and sunk to the ground. I heard him grunt," you think I'm like that? Just because I'm mad, disappointed in you does not mean I would fucking hurt you. Do you really think I'd hurt you?"

I looked up at him standing over me. I hadn't realized I was shaking until he picked me up. "I would never lay a finger on you love." He kissed my forehead and put me on the couch. My breathing settled down.

"I-I'm sorry." Is all I managed to say to him. I covered my eyes and began to bawl again. He held me," why would you do that to me? I love you Daisy. I don't want you doing that to yourself. Please, please promise you will never do that again." I looked at his brown eyes and found comfort," it's not because of you Oli. You are the highlight of my life" my dad pathetic worthless life" i won't do it again. Please forgive me. I love you." I wrapped my arms around him and he did the same to me.

I hadn't realized I had bleed out the bandages until Oli muttered "what's wet?" I saw blood covering him down his neck and oh his chest. "Fuck." Is all I said. He looked down and freaked out. He then proceeded to pick me up and basically carry me to the ER. It's only a couple of blocks away but I'm heavy.

I ended up having to get several stitches. The nurse looked at me and said, "next time you come here I will put you on suicide watch and not let you go. Don't do this to your body. You are young and have plenty to live for honey. Be thankful that this boyfriend of yours cares about you." She gave me a sweet smile and Oli and I left. I looked down at my re bandaged arms. I frowned.

Oli and I got home at 7 am. I was tired and drained as was he. We both ended up falling asleep on the bed. Not before he mumbled," I missed this. I love you. Please don't do that again. When we wake up. I'm going to make you be screaming my name." What the fuck Oli way to be smooth. I chuckled and held his arms," I love you too, I'm sorry. Sure you will lover boy."