OBSIDIAN ISSUE #1: PUSHED

TWENTY ONE

It was too late to take back my decision. Wala nang bawian lalo na noong hinawakan niya ang kamay ko at hinila paalis sa gitna ng intersection. 

The bones in my chest quaked hard by the fast pumping of my heart. I could hear the people whispering, some were blatantly talking about what just happened. Yumuko ako, malamang. Habang si Azriel ay dire-diretso ang hila sa akin at walang pakialam. His back remained straight, his stance high and mighty as if he's proud of what he did. 

Malalaki rin ang mga hakbang niya kaya medyo kumakayod ako para pumantay. But even so, I still ended up walking behind him. I am watching his black leather chukka boots and listened to its bass-sounding steps against the concrete. 

I can not only see but also feel how tight his grip on my hand is. It squeezed a longing in me. Huli na ba talaga upang bawiin ang tugon o ayaw ko lang tumanggi?  The hopeless romantic part of me seems to nod on the latter.

Huminto kami sa harap ng simbahan. Hinarap niya ako at hindi pa binitawan. He still sported the same dark and sharp look in his eyes but I am more certain that it's an innate description of it. 

"Stay here.  I'll get the car," medyo may katigasan niyang sabi.

Tinanaw ko ang pinanggalingan ng takbo ko, tinatantiya ang distansiya na lalakarin niya. I saw him outside the University building so he must have parked his car within the school's radius.

Alinlangan pa akong nagbalik tingin. I never find it easy to linger my gaze on him with all his hardwired intensity. Lahat ng pagkukunwari na kaya ko iyong hamunin ay hindi rin nagtatagal. Kahit sadyain niyang palamlamin ang mga mata, I don't think the effect of his eyes will ever falter. It will always be perpetually piercing and a journey way past to my soul.

"Sesante na ba ako?"  mahina kong tanong.

"Hindi."

Huminga ako nang malalim at tumango. I am silently searching for more words to say but they hate my brain so nothing appeared.

"Huwag mo akong takbuhan ulit. Hahabulin pa rin naman kita." 

Saan man galing ang kaba ko ay nanatiling lihim. Tila alam niya ang gagawin ko kaya inunahan na niya ako ng banta. Bantang hindi naman talaga nananakot.

His hard gaze spent more of its seconds on me before he finally looked away with a long and pained blink. Tila labag sa loob niya ang umalis sa harap ko.

My eyes followed him under the light of the mid-afternoon sun. Pinadaan niya ang kamay sa clean-cut niyang buhok at kita ko ang marahan niyang pag-iling. Marahas niyang binaba ang kamay na bumuo ng kamao  at mas bumilis pa ang mga hakbang.

What also caught my attention were the stunned and hot stares directed at him mostly coming from women and young girls.  Nahawi ang naghahagikhikang grupo sa kanyang pagdaan.

Dumagan sa akin ang nakaimbak nang resulta. One kiss from him Aleah and you suddenly agreed to come back? You know what's waiting at the near end of this. A gaping danger cheering for you to jump right in and get swallowed. Whole. Pero kung tatanggi ako, anong idadahilan ko sa kanya na kapanipaniwala?

I have never anticipated for this. Kaya kung magdadahilan man ako ay mauutal lang. He could easily tell I am lying. 

What comes after this? Babalik ba ako sa dormhouse? Malamang, may mga gamit pa akong naiwan doon. Although, not imporant things but just clothes and some trivial ones.

Now that I am finally beside my straight mind to think about all of this, fear starts to overwhelm me. Nadala lang talaga siguro ako sa ginawa ni Azriel kanina. The decision  had been made on the spur of the moment. Or was it, really? Kasi bakit ngayon duda ako? Bakit ayaw maniwala ng malaking parte ng diwa ko? Saying this felt like I was only fooling myself.