OBSIDIAN ISSUE #1: PUSHED

TWENTY THREE

Tulad ng pananatili sa bahay na hindi akin, nanirahan ang mga sinabi ni Atticus sa aking isipan. And just like the vague span of my stay, uncertainty passes by on how long these thoughts would have to disconcert me. 

Pinagmasdan ko ang mag-tiyuhin sa pool. He has every right to doubt me. Bukod sa hindi niya pa ako lubusan na kilala, nakakataas kilay din naman kasi pakinggan na may higit sa propesyunal na ugnayan kami ng kapatid niya. I know I didn't sign any contract regarding conflict of interest but still, what has transpired in between just doesn't sit well.

Or am I just overthinking?

Ngayon ay tinatasahan ko ang sarili. Ano nga ba ang ugnayan namin? A kiss is not a guarantee to everything there is in a relationship, that I'm sure. Kaya bakit ako aasa sa mga halik lang?  For me, unassured things is equals to inexistence.

Hindi naman kasi ako maalam sa mga ganito kaya tinatanggap na lang. Sa tiwala ko sa kanya kaya ako bumibigay dahil mas may karanasan siya at nakikita ko ang kakayahan niya na maiayos lahat. The way he tames the storm in his own reserved and composed self despite being the tempest himself...

What only rocks my acceptance to Azriel's tender treatments are the lurking hazards beyond these walls. Beyond what most people know. 

"Mom! Can I take a dip in the pool? Kahit hanggang ten lang..."

Tumatakbo si Maddox papasok nang sinigaw ito. Nakakunot noo kong sinundan ang paglapit niya. 

Since that day he called me 'Mom', pakiramdam ko ay niloloko lang ako nitong si Maddox. May nakikita akong kapilyuhan sa ngiti at mga mata niya tuwing sinasambit ito. Ang palagay naman ng kalahating ako ay sa isip ko lamang iyon.

"Of course. Bakit naman hindi puwede?" 

He pouted. "Ayaw kasi ako payagan ni Daddy minsan kapag mainit. It's not that sunny outside..."  He stared longingly at the pool.

That's when Atticus came in. I saw his scowl at me as he approached. Iniwas ko ang tingin sa kanya, dumilat ang huling paguusap kanina.

I don't usually get perturbed by looks as it mostly deceives. What sways my defenses is their capability to ruin. 

"Tito Kit! Payag si Mom!"  

Binagsak ko nang tuluyan ang mga mata sa aking kandungan. The enthusiasm of the boy pleases me but Atticus's reaction sure as hell is on the dark side.

"Oh?" punong-puno iyon ng sarcasm.

Sinulyapan ko ang pagtango ni Maddox bago ito umakyat sa hagdan. Pagkatapos ng mga sinabi ni Atticus kanina at narinig ngayon, lalo akong nahirapan na makisama sa kanya. Not that there's a need to. Being near him just doesn't feel light anymore compared to how he was on the first day I met him. The easygoing guy that mocks his brother is no more or maybe in hiding.

"He calls you mom? A hero complex most probably..." 

Napaangat ako sa nanunuya nitong tono. He's smirking. The arch in his eyebrows makes him all the more the sarcastic guy I thought him to be.

"Too fast, won't last..." makahulugan niyang wika bago tumalikod.

Sinusundan ko siyang bumalik sa labas. I just hope the conversation a while ago would shove itself outside the door, too. 

Pinakiramdaman ko ang sariling pagbabago sa mga sumunod na araw.

The cold within convenes into solidity and a whole ball of ice when I'm alone. Ngunit sa tuwing narito si Azriel ay tinatakasan ako ng lumang sarili at natutunaw muli. Kahit kay Maddox ay ganoon din, lumalambot ako.