OBSIDIAN ISSUE #1: PUSHED

EPILOGUE

          

       
PART 1

"So... what do you think? Did I suck?"

I fucking swear I could hear the tone of innocence when I asked this to my girlfriend. Kakatapos niya lang magbihis, a feminine black strap dress molding her slender frame. And now we' re sitting beside each other on the edge of the bed while I was being unsure if I did things right.

"You did great, AJ," she said sweetly.

"R-really? You enjoyed it?" I stammered a bit, hindi sigurado kung nagsasabi ba talaga siya ng totoo. I mean, it's my first time! How would I know if she's faking it?

"Mhm!" She nodded and giggled.

I bit my lower lip. Pinagmamasdan ko siyang sinusuklay sa mga daliri ang kanyang buhok. Her wavy beach blonde hair looks darker in the dimlighted room. From the thin ray of light, I can see the faded dots of her freckles filling the spaces in some parts of her cheeks and buttoned nose. I have even outlined the shape of her hazel almond eyes. Tinititigan ko siyang mabuti habang tumatakbo sa isip kong hindi pa rin makapaniwala. We' ve just did it tonight at a commom friend's house party and I stupidly forgot what drove me to agree into this.

I've been dating Phoebe Anderson for five months now. I don't know much about girls but I was aware that one of the things which impelled me to pursue her was the lack of women in my life. Lumaki akong pumipintig sa isipan ang pag-iwan ng sariling ina. It always brings me to wonder how it felt to be taken care of by a mother. If she's not here, then I might as well be able to experience a semblance of that innate affection from a girlfriend, right?

This thought has been a parasite in my mind for years. Phoebe's sweet, which feels familiar to me. I quite remembered someone sweet to me. Maybe it was my mother before she left without a goodbye. Dad doesn't talk much about her, but I see no hostility from him either which beats me.

Umangat ang ulo habang sinusundan ang pagtayo niya. She's holding my hand. I think she's ready to go?

"Wanna go back with me downstairs? Our friends are waiting."

Umiling ako. "You go ahead. I'll just change."

She smiled. Dahan dahan niyang binitawan ang kamay ko, ganoon din ang mga hakbang niya palabas ng kuwarto. The booming music outside rumbled louder with the open door and muffled when she closed it. Ilang sandali na ang nakalipas at nakatitig pa rin ako sa saradong pinto saka bumuntong hininga bago binagsak ang sarili sa kama. My feet is touching the floor, trying to feel the beat of life downstairs.

Tonight, I just lost it. And damn, I don't know what to feel. Not that I regret everything that happened but a whisper of 'what if' almost sent me running to the hills and ghost out like what that certain woman did. Gusto kong mangako sa sarili na hindi ako tutulad sa kanya. But even the promises sealed infront of the altar, been shamelessly sworn in the eyes of the Man in the cross and the Master of all, will always find a way for its respite.

So it's better to not promise anything at all if we all knew that words were also meant for breaking.

I'm not saying I won't be serious when it comes to relationships. Oo pa rin, pero wala akong ipapangako na kahit ano sa kahit kanino. I'll just ... go with the flow and try to be a good boyfriend. Avoid mistakes as much as possible. I still have so many things to learn and I was terrified as much as thrilled of what's to come with me and Phoebe.

Only that, I'd be terribly disappointed at the middle of this. Akala ko seryoso kami. Siya!

"What?" naguguluhan kong tanong sa isang kaklase. I stopped dribbling the ball in the gym and glared at him.