OBSIDIAN ISSUE #1: PUSHED

FORTY

"Bakit sa tingin mo papayag ako?"

In a trembling condescending tone, I have confronted her just like this in my head. Ang gulat niya ay pinong-pino sa aking isip at ni hinga ng salita sa kanya ay walang namutawi.

Would I sound so selfish had I said that? Ngayon pa lumitaw sa isip ang sana' y sasabihin na tapos na. I could have done better than sit still at that exact moment and let her have the last line. I could have done better than let my silence speak and watch her leave without hearing anything from me. Sa pananahimik ko'y baka inaakala nito na pumayag ako. I find it harder to relax since that day. Azriel hasn't mentioned anything even after that so I have assumed two things as well: Hindi pa sila nag-uusap, o ayaw nitong ipaalam sa akin.

I'm betting on the former. 'Di ba nga' t hiningan ako ng tulong para mag-usap sila tungkol doon? And Azriel... I won't know unless I ask him about it first. Madali naman iyon ma-guilty kapag nagsisinungaling. I was almost determined to confront him when out of the blue, he opened up about going back to Cebu one night when he spent dinner in my apartment.

"Bakit?"

Natigil ako sa pagtulak ng pagkain sa aking bibig, tinutukan siya nang purong pagtataka. He knows that I can't just go back to where it all started.

His chewing slowed, natigil lamang nang sumimsim ng tubig. His shadowed eyes in deep tints of brood couldn't dart a look at me while forking a meat slice in his plate.

"Maddox would be home. Kailan ang sembreak ninyo?" His tone was unbelievably withdrawn and silent.

"Oh, uhm..." Binaba ko ang tingin sa pagkain. "Next month pa. End of October, but I'm not sure kasi baka duty week namin." "

I heard a silent growl of agreement rumbling through his chest. Kapag ganito siya ay pahiwatig sa akin ang labag na pagsangayon dahil sa wala nang magawa sa sitwasyon. His deep scowl starts to penetrate against his skin. He licked his lips before taking frugal sips from his glass again. I watched his every move, the way his tongue stabbed at his inner cheek as he stops to contemplate.

"Will you go with me?" he asked softly, with an uncertain undertone as though he knew that rejection was about to come.

"Kailangan ba ako roon? Parang hindi naman." I tried to cover up my bitter tone by shoving a mouthful of sweets in my tongue.

Tumigil ako nang matunugan ang panunutok nito sa akin. Before I could even meet his stare, I've already felt the biting heat in my cheeks all the more when my puzzled sunset rims meet his twin night orbs. Mataman niya akong tinitigan.

"Yes, kailangan kita roon, Rosephine."

Tumunog ang bell hudyat ng pagtatapos ng klase sa araw na 'to. I recalled how I nodded, at hindi malaman kailan ang salakay ng pagsisisi dahil ngayon pa lang, kinukutuban akong darating ang araw na iyon.

I quickly gathered my things and shove them in my bag. May klase pa kaya si Azriel ngayon? I thought of one of his classes which ends at six but I still hope that he would be dismissing his class early.

I remember when he arrived in our classroom this morning in his usual neat white button downs, dark jeans, brown oxfords and his handsome self. It's been a week since our last hospital duty at may mga araw noon na hindi niya ako nasusundo, yet, it was lesser than the days when he drives me home. Itetext naman ako nito sa dahilan kahit hindi na ako nag-bother na magtanong. I just always assume that it's mostly about Maddox or... Phoebe.

Ngayong nagbalik kami sa lecture days ay hindi kami gaanong nagsasabay. We only meet in class everytime he has his lectures with us and that is everyday. Kaya ayos lang na hindi ako makakapunta sa apartment niya minsan.