Not A Couple

19. Guilt was what I felt

Jane hates her father and she hates him a lot but now she is weeping inside for him. I am unable to keep the thoughts of that night from haunting me. I know I am driving and I should focus on the road but... but... I just can't. I need to stop for a while and think everything through. I guess a cup of coffee would do wonders for me at the moment.
"He hit her. He hit her, Bin" was what she said and I couldn't do anything but tighten my hold onto her. Being a ten year old at that time, I didn't know how complicated the situation would become in a few days time.
"What happened Jane??", was all I managed to say and in return she just looked into my eyes and I knew that even if she wanted to tell me everything, she wouldn't be able to.
That was the first time it had happened and countless nights had followed. She would come to my house every now and then with tear stained cheeks and would ask me if she could stay. I never refused and she would say that one day she would explain everything to me. That one day arrived 2 years later. As usual I was on the couch watching television and thinking about Jane. How so many years had passed with her and it seemed as if I had found her only a while ago. These thoughts consumed me and I didn't even notice that the girl who strolled through my mind everytime I sat on the couch was sitting in front of me.
This once, there were no tears in her eyes but a certain sadness evaded her features.
"He left", she said and I didn't know what to make of it.
"Who left, Jane?", was what I asked confused.
"My father, Bin!!! Finally, he left."
I could see the happiness in her eyes but still there was something eerie about it and I had wondered that her father would have gone on one of his business trips.
"Why are you so happy about it?? Aren't you going to miss him??? And when is he coming back??"
"I am happy Bin!! So very happy!!! Happier than I have ever been in the last two years. He is never coming back. Can you imagine that??? That monster is not coming back in our lives"
"How can you call your father a monster??", I had scolded her unaware of the fact that I would be the one calling him monster when I got to know the truth. I was so foolish, anyone would have connected the dots and would have known what had happened.
"I can call him monster because he was one"
"Tell me from the beginning"
"Ohh fish. I forgot that you don't know anything about it. I don't wanna spoil my mood today by talking about him. He has gone for good and I am happy. That is all you need to know."
"I need to know more and you are going to tell me. Now!!!"
"Chill dude. Okay!! So you know about my visits to your home. Of course you do since you are the one who takes care of me when no one is around. Did I ever say thank you for that?? I didn't, right?? Thank you Bin"
"Jane"
"Okay okay. Jeez man, you are so stubborn. So here it is. Two years back, my family was the one every child would wish for and I believed that my parents loved each other like the actors in the movies do. I would ask them to tell their love story to me again and again. It used to fascinate me that they had met in high school and had ended up married. There is no one else I know who had such a great love story and I used to think that I would fall in love just like them and I would live happily ever after."
"But then, that night when I first came to your house crying; dad came home drunk. Mum told me that it was because he was having a downfall in his business and I did not understand how downfall in his business was connected to his drinking. She packed up one pair of clothing for me and asked me to go straight to your home. When I was leaving I heard my dad cursing and a sound... a booming sound rang through our house. He had slapped her, Bin!! He literally hit her. I did not want to believe it but I heard it and I vaguely saw it too. I thought that something else must have been the case since my mum did not even mention it the next day. In my heart I knew something was out of place. We were not that happy family anymore and what had happened that night became a common occurrence. Mum made sure that I would not have to see it and she never even thought of confiding in me. I wished she would tell me the truth and I prayed to god to give me some strength to get the monster out of our house. One month back, I found her crying and I held in my arms. I spoke the same words she speaks when I am crying but they did not comfort her like they had always comforted me. That was the time she told me and I asked why she was bearing with all of that. And you know what she said??"
"What??", I had asked while everything else that I wanted to say remained stuck in my throat.
"She said that she didn't want me to be fatherless. Guilt. Guilt was what I felt. My mother had suffered so much cause she didn't want me to suffer. I asked her to file a divorce. It would be better to stay fatherless than to have a father like him. And today he left, we are going to live in our house whereas he is somewhere else. I hope he rots in hell", was what she said but I knew she did not wish that. Her father had been a very good man before that night and I knew that she would miss that father not the one who had left her that night.
That is the only reason she is weeping today when he is dead. Jane has a gentle heart and I know that she is praying for his soul to have a peaceful departure. She hates the person who left her but she also loves the person who would keep everything at stake for her. She was his little princess after all. He was a beast, a monster. However, there is no one is this whole damn world who can deny the fact that he loved Jane more than his own life. How he managed to leave her is beyond me. I guess he understood that she would be happier without him since he could not become a human once he had transformed himself to a monster.
It feels better to have cleared up my mind. I should head back to the road now.

Now you know why she hates her father.
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