The fake girlfriend deal. ||BEING HEAVILY EDITED||

Nine| Messed up. (edited)

TW: Details of r*pe

(RIVEN POV)

The traffic cleared after a few minutes and we made it to the dorm just before sunset. We did homework and our own things silently, thinking over the events of today, when Yuna asks from under her blankets, "Hey Riven?"

I'm lying in bed, looking over the syllabus for Business and Relations, my prosthetic is under the bed and my leg propped up on a pillow. I smile her way but notice how pale she looks, that her eyes aren't all here right now.

"Hm?" I ask.

"Does alcohol help you calm down? Or just forget?"

I laugh a bit, my body feels itchy and suddenly the covers are restricting, why did she need to know? Was it for herself or me? If I tell her exactly why I delve into it... She may decide I'm too messed up to hang around.

"Well, that depends on how much you drink. For your size I'd say one bottle would get you calm. Three would probably get you too drunk to think."

"Can I have a beer?" Her voice cracks, eyes watering again. "I need, I need calm right now."

My heart aches, a deep thumping ache that spreads throughout my chest. I made a conscious decision to let her have a beer but not get her drunk, I didn't need to be a bad influence.

I grab my crutch and go across the room to the mini fridge, grabbing two beers. I sit on the end of her bed while she sits up and wraps her blanket around her shoulders.

Do I ask why? Do I tell her this won't work? I can't mess this up.

"What do you want me to say?" I tug on the end of my hair and look back.

Yuna shrugged, taking a sip of the beer and closing her eyes. "Are all men like him? Everyone says not all men are but I mean... Even you like sex."

My entire body tenses.

"Admit it, If i said yes, you'd bang me."

Well duh, isn't everyone like that in a way?

I shake my head and think of anything to say to change the tone. "Someone fancies herself."

I lean back against the wall. "Remember in the car? They're too drunk to consent. I take em to my place or to theirs if they remember the address, give em a pain med for the hangover, some water, and go to bed. I don't wanna contribute to the danger they're up against."

"I thought you said you didn't wanna be alone?"

I don't. And by doing that, I'm not alone. I'm also not useless or weak or stupid or unhelpful.

I can't believe I'm gonna say this.

"When I'm taking care of someone,i-it makes me feel useful for a change. Like I'm here for a reason other than pissing my parents off." I took a long swig from my drink, tilting my head back. Even I don't wanna remember right now.

Yuna opened her eyes in surprise, not expecting that reply. "You don't have sex with them?"

"I haven't had sex since before my accident. You're the only girl to even see my prosthetic." I snort again, it's not that I was ashamed... Well... Maybe I am.

My friend says it's something called internal ableism. Like Logically I know it changes nothing about who I am or vanity things. But there are some nights where I don't want to be seen, nights where I wonder if this changes the dating realm for me, especially with my parents who blame me... Would anyone really want to put up with that?