gone.

67

"I can't do it anymore, Sash. I can't do this."

I sobbed as I gripped onto the railing at the end of my bed as Sasha sat on the bed.

"Don't talk like that Pam. Don't relapse."

Sasha said.

"Fergal told me to kill myself. Maybe I should just do it. This time I'll succeed. This time I won't be a fucking failure!"

I sobbed as tears fell down my face.

"Pam, stop talking like that. You're scaring me."

"You should be scared. Cause I'm fucking terrified. I'm terrified of myself. I'm terrified of what I'm capable of doing to myself. The love of my life doesn't want me to live anymore. He wants me to die. He wants me to stop fucking breathing and maybe I'll just give him what he wants!"

I screamed as I collapsed to my knees.

"Come here."

Sasha said as she wrapped her arms around me from behind.

"I can't do it if he's not here. I can't live without him Sash! I don't wanna live anymore. I wish I was just fucking successful a couple weeks ago!"

I sobbed as she rested my head against her chest.

"Shhh. You're relapsing. Don't say that."

She said as she stroked my hair. I just sobbed in her arms for a while. My face still hurt. I wanted the old Fergal back. I wanted my Fergal back. But Fergal wanted me dead. And maybe I should just give him what he wants. Be careful with what you wish for, right?