2 Tequila Bottles

K

I am a stupid bitch. I love you. How can I love you? You ended me with a single button. And I love you.

What you did was unfair. You took everything I was praying for away. I was praying for you. For a long time. Even before you even came to my life. Even before you entered my radius. Even before we followed each other on instagram.

During the summer, I told you I was sick. I've been sick since January of this year with a disease called bulimia. I got treated for it and well, I was going to relapse during the summer. I was going to relapse from a malnutrition because I had 2 operations on my jaw and I couldn't eat solid foods. I was given medicine but couldn't keep anything down for a week. When I was feeling better, I lied to my mom and told her I was still feeling sick and went ahead and tried to fake my symptoms. I started to go to group meetings with women like me and there I met a lady who told me my 'destiny', she told me not to worry about dating anyone until I was 18, right?

I decided to join the NAVY because I had this idealism of using my life for something. I didn't want to live. I wanted to die. I wanted to just leave this life behind and if something happened, I would have secured my brother with enough money to get his education straight.

One day, out of the blue, I got this message from a marine. I was debating on answering. I wasn't interested really, all I wanted to know was if boot camp was as hard as they say it was. Thats the real reason I answered. I got too emotionally involved. I told my sister about him and she gave me more information. This was in October 09, he said he was coming back January 2018. I thought it was a sign. This is what the lady was talking about. Fast forward a week later and suddenly his day to come back had been moved up.

We saw each other for the first time at a party on November 10. He hated the party. I was the most awkward person ever. He sweared that I was disappointed but in real life, he was all I dreamed of.

December 8, he blocked me. It came all of a sudden. I went from talking to him every day to waiting for his name to pop up. My 'do not disturb' was suddenly off. His only reply was that he didn't deserve me. That I was smart, beautiful and amazing. That he didn't want to break me. That he likes me but he knows how he gets and we were better off as friends.

Somewhere along these past 5 days, I've felt relieved and tormented. I don't think straight. I wonder what you're doing, what made you fall back? The truth is, I was always broken. You were fixing my life. You were putting me back together. I relapsed a month ago. I don't feel like I deserve you, but you were fixing me.

I was in the deep end of the pool. I was giving up. You came to my life. You left all of a sudden. What am I supposed to do with this will? With this want to be near you. I just needed time. I was willing to give you everything you wanted. It would have been enough to get a phone call first thing in the morning for 10 minutes and late at night before you went to sleep. I would have been content with that. I would have given you everything you wanted, my desires, my insecurities, my dreams. All you had to do was stay.

Its like my love was as wide as the sun and I tried to cover it up with one finger, but its night time now. You turned away and left. You didn't come back out. I just needed time. I was ready for a new day, a new start. I wanted to make you happy. I wanted to be there on the days everything was going south and hold you tight.

I don't know what made you fall back. Maybe it's my face? Maybe it's my body? I wish I could pray you back to me. I wish that God would listen to me and bring you back but that's selfish. I can't pray for something knowing you might be better off some place else. I just hope you're in a good place. I hope that life gives you all you're hoping for.

Maybe I gave you the impression that I wasn't down to do the things you wanted to do. I could have explained myself better. I couldn't be out at the time you wished to be out. I couldn't go to clubs and drink my memory away. I couldn't do so many things with you. I couldn't tell you that I needed time to get over my insecurities to try. Only you know yourself and only I know myself. I know that I could have given you what you needed in a heart beat but there's a part of me that hesitates. The part that tells me I am not enough for you.

See the thing about my last relationship is that I was never comfortable with the guy unless we were high off of something. I won't lie, he was a great part of my life but I see him everyday and I know that I didn't love him. I never got the feeling with him. My heart didn't race and my palms were never sweaty. He was just the guy who would try to pressure me into having sex. He left for the same reasons. I let him leave though. I let him leave but I never looked back. I knew that he was bad for me so I let him leave. A person who loves you, doesn't want to force you. He always mentioned that he wasn't having intercourse, that he needed it. He didn't love me & I wasn't comfortable with him. All he wanted was a body count. I don't hate him after everything. He was a confused red head with too much crack in his system to function properly.

I am confused and torn apart because I want to let you go, live your life and be happy. On the other hand, I want to reach out and have you here because you make me happy. I had said it before. You are like fresh air in a toxic waste land.

You are an intricate force of nature that I can't describe.

I'm a stupid bitch and here I go again. I'm drunk at a party and the only thing im thinking about is you. How you are an intricate force of nature.

-L.B.

December 30, 2017.