2 Tequila Bottles

Tremble

You know that sensation you get when your foot falls asleep? You try to move it and it just prickles all around that area? That's how I feel when I look at you. For a moment I stare at you and I imagine what life would be like if we were meant to stay together.

We haven't even been together. You haven't given me the opportunity to prove myself worth it. I think that we are too damaged to be together at this time. You obviously have battles you don't want to mention for whatever reason and me? I have many mental illnesses that prevent me from loving you how you deserve to be loved.

You won't ever know though. You will never know how I got bulimic 2 weeks after we first saw each other. You don't even know now. I've kept it a secret for 2 months. I am weak. I am fragile. You won't know how I feel like when you don't text me back in a whole day. I keep it cool because I know that if I make a big deal, then I might scare you away. That is not what I want but what we both need.

I am too stubborn to leave Kevin.

This is the only time I will reference your name.

You will never read this anonymous page.

And that is perfectly fine with me.

I am too stubborn to leave so I ask you to make the decision for me. I imagine what life would be like if we were to stay together. I would get along with your family because thats my ultimate goal. I would meet your mom and have her explain to me what your favorite food is and how she cooks it. Why? because all I really want to do is please you. I want to make you happy. I want to make you feel like I'm actually worth the try. I imagine us, going to the beach with my brothers and enjoying some quality time. I imagine traveling from city to city, making memories. 

The reality is that I imagine worse. I imagine you leaving me. I imagine you breaking my heart; not purposefully. I imagine you going to school and meeting a whole different girl while you whispered endearing messages through the phone to me. I imagine us not working out because you don't feel attracted to me. I am not a stable person. I would want you to understand. I also don't want to explain. I compare myself too often to girls who should be with you. Girls who would make a much better date than me. And I psych myself out to think that this isn't real. You don't even like me. That's how I feel. I feel like you are the sensation on my foot who numbs me and prevents me from walking and if I take the step... I know I'm going to end up falling. When I'm staring at you, I see two roads. Both that will make me a better women. Both that will make and break me. I stared at you that night. I decided that whatever the scale is, whichever the side it might dip into, I will love you. You didn't see me as an object rather than a person. 

Now it's 2 weeks later. You didn't want to break me. Thats what you said. Truth is, I broke the day we met. Under the moon. At a party you didn't even want to go to. Drinking beer and watching the people come and go. Standing on the sidewalk. Now I have to act like you didn't mean anything to me when you are my first and last thoughts of the day.

-L.B.

Dec. 10, 2017.