2 Tequila Bottles

Motel 6

In the bed of room 110 I laid while you kissed my lips, I stared at the ceiling. The smokey smell was almost nonexistent when I had you close to me. It was nerve recking, knowing that I was about to become a sinner, but for you I'd become anything. It was so humiliating, the fact that we weren't making love. You weren't making love to me, but I was head over heels for you. I stared at the ceiling and I didn't let the tear fall from my eye but I was feeling so many things at the moment. I was feeling useless, I was feeling lost but I was mostly feeling determined to prove that I could make a man feel some type of pleasure. You searched for something in my eyes but didn't find what you were looking for. I made it seem like loosing my virginity that day wasn't a big deal when it was the most important moment of my life. I didn't lose it to someone who wasn't worth taking it. I lost it to the same guy I've been writing about for months now. He was slow and gentle, he tried to make me feel as comfortable as he possibly could. All I could feel was hate towards myself because I knew that for him, this was just sex. I tried to keep up with the nonchalantness he had ,but it was important to me. A year ago, I wouldn't even kiss my boyfriend who I felt like I was in love with at the time. Today, I cannot fall out of love with the marine. I tried talking to other guys. I tried forgetting about his eyes but it seems useless because they follow me in my dreams. He is the guy I gave my virginity to in a motel 6. I couldn't even begin to describe to you how much of myself is lost in him. This is the first real man I ever pictured a future with but the canvas is white because there is no future there. I can physically tell you that he is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with but I cannot tell you how the rest of my life will play out. There is no swing set in the porch, there isn't even a porch to begin with. There is just a feeling. I feel like I can't breath when I am away from him. I can't breath when I have no news of where he's at. I can't breath when they ask me about other guys because I don't want to talk about anyone else. I can't breath when he mistrusts me. I can't breath when I get a notification from him. I can't breath. I choke on my tears because for the past 10 months I have been so in love with a man who lies to me, who treats me like a second option. Today in my life there is a guy who is there, has been there actually. He was there throughout my first failed relationship and stayed by my side for the past months. He sat in class and listened as I told my friend about this guy. He was patient and texted me back whenever I ranted about him. Now I feel like a liar. In march, he accompanied me to a quinceañera and waited for me to come out of the restroom to dance with me yet I looked at myself in the mirror while the number I called went to voicemail. I feel like a fraud. I sat down in my living room as we looked at old pictures of us and let him talk my ear out about the future he sees by my side while I thought of these past 10 months. I heard him cry out his pain of my incorporation into the army, he cried. He cried because after everything that happened in my life I want to hit the restart button, go some place where they don't know me. A place where no one knows me and the life I live now can't hurt me. He cried because in a way I would be leaving him behind because he loves me, yet if I told him what happened in that motel 6... He would want me far away. I wish I didn't feel remorse, I wish I didn't feel the love I feel. I wish that I could have another motel 6 moment. I wish the new guy tried to get to know me before the night of November 10. Before I fell in love with a man who took, broke and left.

-L.B.

June 28, 2018.