2 Tequila Bottles

Guadalupe

I have been called by many names before. My real name is Andrea Guadalupe. For the last 3 years, anyone who's met me calls me Lupe because that's what I want them to call me. Some call me Lue, some call me LuLu. Others call me Andy from my past. I have also been called a bitch & hoe. They call me guac & Guadalajara. They call me Lupita.
You called me Andrea. Even after I told you many times that only my family calls me by my first name and even then, they bought me a cake that read "Andrea Lupe". I let you call me by my first name because I knew that you'd be part of my family one day. And it hurts to know that you do not want to be part of my family.
"Do you?"... know what love is?
I told you that that's a hard question. In reality it's not hard at all. I know what love is. I learned it the hard way. Love, to me, is that feeling of completeness when I'm with you. It's my heart racing out of my chest and my mind in bliss seeing you smile. When I love, I loose myself in the moment and I focus on how you move your hands or how you look around. When I love I give you everything I have got, which isn't much. I give you my fears and my dreams, knowing that you might choose to use them against me. I have loved. I love. I gave you a piece of my mind which you took over. It wasn't a friendship love, it was a -I want to spend every second that you give me- love. It's a -I wake up every morning and hope to see your name on my phone even though we haven't spoken for months- love. It's a -I fear to go to the gym and see you because I wouldn't know if to go up to you or pretend I didn't see you- love. You were and are the most beautiful and tragic thing to happen to me. You are understanding and careless with me. You build me up and break me. But my love will oversee that because love is forgiveness. Love is compassion. Love is understanding. Love is hope. Love hurts more than anything. Love is wanting the best for your significant other even if the best is away from you. Love is getting excited to see someone. I love you. And I can replace love with any word and it still would mean the same thing to me. I forgive you. I am compassionate for you. I understand you. I hope for you. I hurt you. I want the best for you. I get excited to see you. I love you.
I want to be there for you if you let me. I want you to give me a second chance to make you fall in love with me the way I fell in love with you. I don't know what I did to make you feel like I wasn't the one. Love is the truth. Love is honesty. Love is not blind, love is accepting. When I realized that I was in love, not because of how you look but because of the feelings that you made me feel. How easy it was for me to be at peace next to you. When I realized that I was in love, I prayed for you. I never prayed before that, unless I needed something for myself but I prayed to God so he can keep you safe. And when I lost my most sacred part of myself to you, I cried every morning for a week because you didn't love me and I wasn't going to spend the rest of my life with you. I cried every morning because there was a hope in me that you would love me even for one night. You called me Andrea, you called me beautiful, you said I was so pretty -a model. You never made me feel like I was loosing anything when I was loosing myself in you. I put you in a win-win situation when I was loosing. I let you take tons when you gave me mere crumbs. It was not a mistake of my part to love you, never in my head did the thought occur. The mistake I made was not knowing how to love myself. Andrea.