2 Tequila Bottles

Militia

Am I in the wrong?

At first I was scared to tell my parents about me joining the Army but when I did, when I got that out of the way, I felt relieved. I was scared to tell them that for weeks I lied to them. They were finally happy because the Navy had rejected me. I did not want to make them feel like it was the end of the world again but I admit it. I lied. I lied to them about where I was going and who I was going with. I lied to them about so many things. When I told them, I felt like it was a huge weight off my shoulders. I was scared because as a child I was told not to lie. I was told that lying had consequences and I knew that the consequences of my lying were that my parents were going to have their hearts crushed again.

Of course I didn't plan to tell them if the Army was to deny my application. I was bound to tell them only when I knew for sure that I had gotten in. I received a call. I was told the most wonderful news that I could ever imagine. My eyesight waiver got approved. 

My waiver got approved.

In that moment I wanted to smile and laugh because since the beginning of the processing, I was praying. I was praying but with a passion, with dedication. I was praying that I get this second opportunity. 

It took me 4 months of agony, of doubt, to decide to try for a different branch. I didn't know what I was going to do with my life. 

Even now that I am accepted I don't know what to do with the information.

Its like, this is exactly what I've been praying for and I finally got it but what good is it if I can't share my happiness with the people I love? What good is it if I can't tell them of my triumphs and accomplishments? 

Without trying to discredit my parents, because they did raise me the way they thought was the best way, I sadly now believe they are being selfish. I decided what I want to do with my future but they are trying to make me waiver from my decision. Knowing that if I was to stay home then it wouldn't be me the one making the decision for my own life but them. 

How could they live with my reproach for taking that away from me? Or would I rather leave and have them be mad at me for the rest of their life? The question of the matter is, could I leave knowing that they are mad? Would that be morally correct when it comes to my own wellbeing? That is too where I am being selfish with my own family members, to not take into considerate what they might be feeling at the moment. 

The reality is that I know what could happen if I leave. I have the consequences clear, I could die but I could also die in a Texas highway. In 2016 the death toll was 3,773, in Texas alone. From what? Car crashes. In the last 14 years, 4,520 soldiers died in Iraq. That's 747 people more who have died in war during a time span of 14 years compared to the time span of one single year. I am more likely to die in a highway than in war.

I also know that I might be leaving home to go loose a limb or get some sort of PTSD. I know that I could get raped. I know that I might not ever come back but I have accepted the fact that those things can happen anywhere I go to.

I ask my parents for one thing regarding this subject, I know that at this moment I cannot get their blessing and that I have no support system in this subject but I ask for one thing only, I ask that they accept the fact that I am leaving. I will leave and the thing that scares me the most is not having their approval, it scares me to think that when I do leave they will be mad at me. I do not want them to be mad at me and I do not want them to stop me from doing this. I have a life because of both of them and I would still want them to be part of my life no matter what but I do not want to leave with them being angry at me over something that I have already decided to do.

I also have feelings. I feel alone when it comes to this. I know that as a human I am born alone in this world and I will die alone. I also want to take a moment to apologize for having felt like my parents are against me when I know they only want the very best for me.

This is my decision. 

I don't know how they might take it. 

I don't know if they will ever talk to me again but I will leave.

There is no changing my mind.