2 Tequila Bottles

December 18

A year ago exactly, I went in for treatment. I decided to go to a specialist. A nutritionist whose name was Violet.

A year ago things were so different. Today, it is 6:30 pm and I'm wearing my white vans outside in the muddy drive way. I put foundation, mascara and eye shadow on a rush to meet you up.

You just are the most beautiful boy I have ever laid eyes on.

It's true, I drunk texted you. I did that and I saw how much you really cared about me.

Perhaps you don't even care but you replied.

I realize what you said. You said you were a hoe. That I didn't want you in my life. I also realized that on a latter section of "2 Tequila Bottles", I asked you to make the decision for me. I changed my mind. I want to decide when I've had enough. I want to decide if I want you in my life or not. I know that you may break my heart millions of times before I leave you. I also know that you're the reason my phone will never be at 100 battery percentage.

It all comes down to the same thing.

Sex.

The reason that I broke up with "Tomato".

Sometimes, you just know. You know that the decision you're about to make will affect you for the rest of your life. Sometimes, you know that this is the person that I trust.

I trust you enough to actually get this over with.

I know that if things don't work out, we will still be good with each other.

We will see each other and remember how we made each other feel. No hard feelings. No hate. Just our memories. We are both mature enough to know how to handle it.

I know you might be scared. Is this the decision that I want to make? I'm frozen to my seat too. You don't want to hurt me and I don't want to be abandoned by someone I gave my all to. I don't want to do it with you just for the fuck of it. I want to do with you because I know that if I don't, I'm going to regret it later on in my life.

So here I am, waiting for you to get out of the car.

You don't really want to. I can see you hesitate until you give in.

We are under the dusty porch in the back of my house.

There's an orange glow to you today because of the light.

I look away a lot. I can't stare at you without feeling like I am not enough for you.

I wonder if this is how we will always be. Is this what we have to be like?

I am drowning in my thoughts, how do you really feel for me?

Do you want a relationship or do you just want to have sex?

Either way, I will always go back to you. You are the only thing I have ever done right. I know I have to be strong enough and just leave you. For my own good. I can't. I don't want to. My heart is set on you. I just need someone solid in my life, someone who I can share my insecurities with. I need you to love me the way I love you. I need you to stick around and see me succeed. I need someone to bolster me. Someone who encourages me, doesn't try to put me down.

A year ago my problems were so different. Today, I am breathing in the moment. This is our moment.

You.

-L.B.

December 30, 2017.