nonstop (merthur AU)

thirty nine

'and what of the boys?' morgana asked hesitantly, knowing well that that particular question was crossing a line just by itself.

gwen exhaled through clenched teeth, she'd done so well to not think of them for the hour-and-a-half her and morgana had been sitting at the cafè for. she wasn't angry at morgana for asking, more at the world for throwing their small group into the trouble they now sat in.

'in the weeks that merlin was out, arthur learnt a lot about life. the things he learnt were things you wouldn't except even a wise, old person to know but he learnt then nonetheless.

he learnt that the world doesn't care. the world doesn't stand up and gasp when bad things happen to good people. it sighs and looks away when someone's hurting, because that's what people do. he learnt that life doesn't stick around for long.

he called me as soon as he got home that day, no doubt still clutching merlin tight. i started crying on the other end of the line myself, because this was arthur. arthur who always knows what to do, who never looses his cool even in horrible situations. and he was sobbing.

sobbing because the boy he finally admitted to himself that he loved was laying dead in his arms, because he was all alone, because he didn't know what to do, because he couldn't see the slow rise and fall in his chest anymore, because he had died thinking arthur hated him.'

'oh my god, what'd you do?'

'the only thing i seem to be able to do' gwen shrugged 'talk,'

'i called merlins old friend he mentioned, the only link he had to his real mother. a man called gaius who had sought merlin out himself, after his mother's death, to tell him he was there if he was ever needed. i think he's a doctor or something? anyhow when he walked out of the room merlin was in he said he was, in fact, alive. that was the first time happy tears had flooded arthurs eyes for quite some time.'

'so then merlin was fine?'

'ah, not exactly' gwen spoke, the words escaping like more of a question than an answer.

'i think the whole process turned arthur a bit mad. not permanently, obviously, but when merlin first woke up all he did was laugh'

'laugh?'

'he kept saying 'how many times will we find ourselves here before those eyes don't open'. and merlin was understandably out of it, so the sound of arthurs deafening laughter scared the shit out of him.

the laughter soon turned to sobs after merlin started shivering violently. jostling and twisting, desperate to be set free from whatever pain he was experiencing. from what i've been told, arthur was making noises that sounded like he was sobbing but he physically couldn't? his tear ducts had taken over merlins previous assumes role of abandoning him. no more tears left to cry, i guess. so all he could do was keep a gentle hand in merlins own until his convulsing turned into simply shaky breaths'

morgana swallowed loudly. gwen guessed she wasn't expecting a whole rant to be forced into her like that, like her unsuspecting heart had been stomped on.

but gwen was feeling better than she had for weeks. with everything that was going on and the limited list of people she could talk to about it, she was bursting at the seams.

'what about you?' morgana asked somewhat awkwardly, unsure of how to pick up the conversation again.

'huh?'

'how are you feeling?'

'i haven't really had time to think about me'

'gwen...' concern clouded morganas features 'i know you care a great deal about the boys, but you need time for yourself too'

'i just, i don't know. i haven't seen them in weeks, thought they might need their space. i just really hope they're okay'