Your All Isn't Good Enough💋🔫

A Break

I sit here thinking about my life. How in the beginning I tried to make everybody happy but I forgot about myself. Since I've been in here I've had allot of time to think about things. I learned that I had not released myself from Wes. No no don't get me wrong I haven't been in love with Wes for a long time. I just held on thinking that maybe things would change. I thought I was staying for myself but I had lost myself. I was scared to let go scared of change. When your with a man for so long and he cheats. You begin to question yourself. What did I do wrong? What did I not do? Etc but it really isn't you. It's the person you lost yourself to. There so selfish to drag you and your feelings along while they go do there own thing. So the best thing for my well being I let him go.

I realized I never had the chance to actually come at peace with my mother's death. I blamed myself for my father's actions. But at the end of the day a person is going to do what they want no matter how the next person feels. I just started living life trying to put my hurt in the back of my mind. I did it well for so long.

Then with Yoyo. I gave her my trust. I gave her my loyalty. She was my ride or die. Naw she was my sister. I would have given that girl anything. She was the one ready to fight when Wes did me wrong. But she was sleeping with him to. So now I question was she fighting for me or was she fighting for herself and her jelousy? Does it matter now?

Then the other half of my heart. My two babies. I never met them but there the best thing that could have happened to me. I'll never forget them even when it's my time to have more babies. When I get out I plan on buying cemetery plots even if I don't have there actual bodies. I'll still have a place to go to for there memory. They will know mama loves them.
After the abuse, pain I've been through. I can honestly say I've been through it all.

We as people sometimes forget that we are pretending happiness. We're so use of going in the real world plastering a smile on our face that doesn't reach our eyes. We get so caught up making the people around us happy. We say we will get back to our self's later.

So I need to take a breather from everything. So when my time is up here I'll be taking a vacation with myself. I need this. I don't care if nobody understands. I need to do this for myself. I just hope they understand.

I'm going on a spiritual growth journey. To find myself. Well a weed spiritual growth journey.

My therapist realized I needed my weed. So she pulled some strings in order for me to get it.

"What's up, you seem cool. You want to become friends?"

Looking at the long hair blue eye coffee bean beauty in front of me.

"Nah,I don't trust new people. Nothing against you but that's how this works has made me."

"Understand"

She walks out mellow like. Looking up to my company that just made there way in my room. No one makes a move they just stare at me. Tru is the first one to say something.

"I hear there letting you out tomorrow baby"

I look at my beautiful men. Each and every one different from the other. But the same because each one has my heart. They look sad. But they keep there smile for he in place. Here I am about to hurt them all over again.

I take a deep breath before meeting each pair of eyes one by one.

Hispanic walks to me. Knowing im uneasy right now. He pulls me to him. Sitting on his lap. I clear my throat.

"You all know that I love you deeply. I need to get my head back on straight. So I can come home and be the woman that you all need. To be the mother I need to be. To be the Queen of the streets. When I leave here. I'm taking a trip. Just so I can get back to me. I can't do this with any body else. I need to do it by myself. I  don't want y'all to think low of me. I just need this"

It goes silent like they are processing everything.

"We understand"

They say at the same time. Hispanic goes low to my ear.

"I won't wait forever. When I feel like it's enough time and your still not back. I'm coming for you to bring you home"

He kisses me on the forehead. Making me smile small.

"I wouldn't have it any other way papi"