Relatively Dependent

Relatively Dependent - Part Fourteen

When the memory faded it took me a minute to come back to reality. It was dark, the room was pitch black, I was still in bed but I was alone. I could feel my jeans were still around my ankles but Candace wasn't there anymore. I wondered how long I'd been out of it, if we'd had sex and I didn't even realise or if she'd noticed I wasn't with it and just left. I reached for the blanket by my side and pulled it over my waist. Didn't care about pulling my pants up, didn't care about looking for Candace, I couldn't think straight. I knew what I'd just seen in my head was a memory, my memory, but I didn't know what to make of it. The stench of vomit hung in the room and for a second I couldn't tell what was reality anymore. Then, I realised why I could smell vomit, I was covered in it. I tugged at my shirt and my fingers came away with a wet sludge over them. I'd vomited on myself, it's no wonder Candace didn't stick around. I wiped my fingers over the blanket, didn't care that I'd vomited on myself, I didn't care about anything. I couldn't process what had just happened, it was too much, so I just lied there and did nothing.

I lied in that bed for a long time going over what my mind had just drudged up. Over the years I'd had a lot of random memories pop up from when I was a kid but nothing as horrifying as that had come out of the woodwork before. I felt numb, completely. I didn't know what to think or do, I didn't feel like I could even function, I just had to lie there and absorb what had happened. I know I used to think I didn't know why Blake and I had left home, what made him finally snap, well, that was why, it was because of what that asshole did to me.

I don't know how long I was lying there like that for, felt like a life time but honestly I've got no idea. Someone knocked on the door and it broke my train of thought. They were calling out to me and saying my name but over the blaring music I couldn't make out who it was.

"Joel, you in here?" Jamie popped open the door and light spilled into the room.

I thought to say something, to tell him I was there but nothing came out, I couldn't breathe a word.

"Oh, Jesus man," Jamie said as he found me lying in bed in all my vomit glory. "You right?" He asked me.

Again, I thought about saying something, but nothing came out.

He grabbed me by the arm and pulled me over to the edge of the bed. I was so close to snapping at him for grabbing me like that, if anything was going to get me out of that invalid state of shock it was Jamie tugging at my arm. He started thumping at my back and telling me to get it all out and I realised he thought I was drowning in my vomit. I let out a cough so he knew I was alright and lied back down.

"That chick said you were fucked, but Jesus, I didn't think you'd be this bad," he said.

I just lied there thinking You've got no idea Jamie, no idea.

"I might call Blake, see if he can come pick you up, yeah?" Jamie said.

I didn't know what I wanted, if I wanted to see Blake or if I wanted to just lie in that strange bed for the rest of my life. Didn't really have a say in it, Jamie was on the phone with Blake in two seconds flat anyway.

I was so completely fucked up from that memory it must've come off like I was wasted. I wasn't. I was a bit drunk, yeah, but not at the point where'd I'd vomit all over myself. Jamie'd ask me to sit up and I wouldn't, he'd ask me to drink some water and I wouldn't take the glass, he'd have thought I was completely out of it. I couldn't bring myself to do anything, I just, yeah, was in shock. Of all the shit that went on when we were kids, I had no memory of anything like that happening. For that to come screaming back to me, it was more than I could handle.

"Blake will be here any minute, we should go wait out front for him," Jamie said.

I hadn't moved an inch, not since he'd dragged me to the edge of the bed. I didn't think I had it in me to actually get up and go outside.

"Come on, I'll help you out," Jamie said as he came to his feet.

Then, awkwardly, he pulled the blanket off me. If I could have, I'd have laughed at his reaction. He spun around and let out this 'Whoa,' a few times as he clapped his hands over his face.

"Kay, right, you know you're not wearing pants, right?" Jamie said into his hands.

Looking back on it now it makes me laugh, his reaction was just so funny. For the sake of Jamie's sanity I managed to pull my own pants back up and doing that sort of made it easier to start moving, set the ball in motion. When I had my jeans back up I pulled myself over to the edge of the bed.

"Okay," Jamie spun around, "that's better," he said with an approving nod. "Hey um, you want me to just grab your stuff tomorrow? I can drop it off on the way back home."

I tried to think what I'd actually arrived at the party with but I couldn't remember. I didn't think I'd brought anything with me, and if I had, I didn't think I'd need it in the next ten hours so I gave Jamie a nod.

"You right to walk man?" Jamie gripped my shoulder and it made my stomach churn.

I hunched over and held my head in my hands. I couldn't even handle having Jamie's hand on my shoulder, it had my mind wanting to jump back to that day, to that moment. I wouldn't let it go back there though, not again.

"Come on," Jamie crouched down and slung my arm over his shoulders, "I got you," he said as he pulled me to my feet.

Jamie practically dragged me outside on his own. I was less than useless. I just couldn't get my body to do anything, it didn't want to, it just wanted to shut down for a while. I kept getting these flashes, these snippets of that horrible memory intruding on my mind and it was fucking me up. I just wanted to drop to the floor, curl into a ball and never do anything ever again. Jamie wasn't gunna' let me do that though.