Relatively Dependent

Relatively Dependent - Part Twenty Two

Jamie and Will took me straight home from the Supermarket. I said I wasn't right to go out and I don't think Jamie would have let me drink that night anyway so there was no point. I was okay enough, wasn't as bad as the first time I experienced a flashback where I just came apart at the seams. I could walk, talk, function at least on a basic human level, but I wasn't up to going to some party. I just wanted to go home and get changed out of my Old Spice smelling clothes.

When I walked into the apartment it was clear my night of surprises wasn't over. I walked in and all this smoke started wafting out the front door. As I closed the door, I looked over to find Blake sitting on the couch with a bong in his hand and a bowl of finely chopped weed on the coffee table.

"Joel, what are you doing home?" He asked, like that was the only important thing happening.

If I'd walked in on that any other time I'd have lost it, but I already felt beaten down, I didn't have it in me to explode at Blake. Drugs were something Blake and I were always against, always. We both used to say how we'd never touch anything, not even weed, not after the way drugs fucked up our lives. But when I walked in and saw Blake high as a kite I thought, here's my chance to escape. So I sat down on the couch next to him and asked if he was going to share.

I think he was taken aback by my remark, he would've been expecting me to blast him and I think that when I didn't he was so happy we weren't gunna' get in another fight that he just let me get high with him.

I was expecting the weed to trash my memory completely, that it'd take that whole day away from me but it didn't work like that. Yeah, for a few hours I had no idea what was going on but the next day I picked up right where I'd left off and started cycling through the memory of Craig that had surfaced.

Let me tell you something though, weed is so fucking addictive. Yeah, it didn't wipe away my memories of Craig or anything else from my shitty childhood but every now and then it'd give me a chance to escape and honestly, I don't think I'd have made it this far if it weren't for that.

Smoking weed became something Blake and I did together for a while there. It even got to a point where I'd blow off going to parties on the weekends Blake had off so we could get high together. Probably wasn't the best way for us to bond but I really did start looking forward to those weekends with Blake.

As much weed as I smoked—and believe me, it was more than my fair share—I still couldn't escape my past. I was already on a downward spiral and had been for years, but things started getting so bad in my head that there was just no coming back from it. Got really depressed. I don't know why it's so hard to admit that to anyone, to myself even, but I was struggling so badly with everything. I couldn't handle being sober, whether it was drugs or alcohol I needed something in my system to feel sane. Everything started to become a struggle, working, partying, hanging out with my mates, I just didn't have the motivation to do anything at all. Even the little things, showering, eating, brushing my teeth, even that stuff was too hard.

Blake knew I wasn't okay. I mean for a while I tried to act like I was okay, like I wasn't reliving my past every second of every day, but it just got to a point where I couldn't hide it anymore. I know Blake wanted to help but there was nothing he could do. I think he just sort of thought, of course Joel's depressed, how could he not be? So he let me go through it and just tried to be there for me. Not that he was much better off than me. I honestly didn't see it at the time that Blake was probably depressed as well. I can only see that stuff now, looking back on everything, but at the time I thought he was okay and it was only me going through it all. Even if I had seen it I don't know that I'd have had it in me to help Blake through anything, I was too fucked up.