Relatively Dependent

Relatively Dependent - Part Twenty Three

I had to cut back my hours at the kitchen. Went from working five days a week to four, to three, to two. I started seeing less and less of Jamie. Stopped meeting up with him when he'd finish School and to keep him from worrying I'd lie and say I had to work. I'd spend my week on the couch, smoking weed or drinking if there wasn't any of that around. On the weekends Blake had off we'd hang out together and get high. On the weekends he had to work Will'd come over or I'd go to his place and we'd get trashed. Weed was something Jamie had never touched and he had no interest in it, Will on the other hand had his own stash and his own secret dependence on it.

As this became my new lifestyle it became difficult to hide it from Jamie. He wasn't an idiot, he's never been an idiot and it only took a few weeks of me skipping parties for him to get suspicious. He come over one night when I said I had to work, one night during the week when I was home alone and Blake was at work. It was around seven at night so I wasn't too out of it when he came knocking at the door. I really wasn't expecting Jamie to show up, if anyone I figured it was Will and he was keen to get high with me so I actually bothered to answer the door. When I opened the door and saw Jamie standing there I felt this pang of guilt hit my chest. I'd been lying to him for weeks doing something I knew he'd hate and he'd caught me red handed. I think he was kind of shocked, maybe like seeing my bloodshot eyes and vacant stare was the last thing he expected to see. Can still see the look of horror on his face... We stood there staring at each other in silence for what felt like a life time before Jamie pushed past me and let himself inside.

"So, this is what you've been so busy doing these past few weeks?" Jamie said as he grabbed the bong off the coffee table.

I didn't say anything, I knew I didn't have a leg to stand on and anything I'd say would just make things worse.

"What the Hell Joel?" Jamie beckoned me for an explanation.

I felt helpless, I didn't know what to say or do, all I knew was I didn't want Jamie to hate me.

"You've just been sitting around getting high? Is that what you do now?" Jamie pressed on.

I shrugged. Was an awesome response.

"I know something's going on with you and it's been going on for a while, so, what is it? Come on, you'd rather do this," he waved the bong at me, "than just tell me?"

"I can't tell you Jamie, I," –

"What do you mean you can't tell me? We've been mates for years," –

"Yeah, we have and there's this whole side to my life you know nothing about," I said.

I don't know why, but I resented the fact that I never felt like I could confide in Jamie, like it was somehow his fault. It was my choice not to talk to him and I did such a damn good job of hiding my past from everyone, of course he was clueless. None the less, in my mind, at that time, I chose to blame him for my silence.

"I do know!" Jamie snapped at me. "I know you and Blake ran away from home when you were kids, I know you used to live at the pub with Charlie, I know he's not your real Dad. I'm not stupid Joel, I know a lot more than you think I do!"

I was so taken aback by his confession that I reverted back to being an asshole and said, "Well, good for you."

"Anytime I've ever tried to ask about your life you've always pushed me away. What do you think I'm gunna' do? Why can't you just talk to me?"

I shrugged again. I knew exactly why and it wasn't because Blake had drilled it into my head all those years ago to keep my mouth shut.

"Will was saying how shit he felt hearing about all the crap you've been through. He said about how your Mum was a druggie and all this shit like I would know what he was talking about. So, what? You can talk to Will who you barely know but you can't talk to me? This," he gestured at the bong, "this is better than talking to me?"

"It's not about you Jamie!" I snapped.

"All I wanna' do is help but you'd rather just sit around and get high and lie to me about it," he said.

"Because I knew you'd act like this," I said as I jerked a hand at him.

I'm acting like this 'cause I'm pissed off!" Jamie snapped. "I wanna' help you but you won't let me, you won't talk to me, you won't even hang out with me anymore!"

"Because I can't!" Guilt was starting to set in and I didn't like Jamie making me feel guilty one bit. "You're so fucking judgemental I don't even know how to be your friend anymore! You just want me to be who I've always been, but I'm not! I'm not the same person I was a year ago but you are and I can't just go to parties and hook up with chicks and pretend everything is normal when it's not. Nothing is normal anymore and I can't even begin to explain it to you 'cause your life has been so fucking perfect there's just no way you'd understand!

"Not everyone had parents that loved them and made them feel like they mattered, like they could do anything they wanted. Not everyone has this easy going life where the biggest worry they have is if they'll get an A on their exams. Some of us have real problems and real shit to deal with but you wouldn't understand that 'cause you've never had to deal with anything before!"

I was blistering red in the face, I was so pissed off and angry, I took all of my anger and threw it straight at Jamie. He stood there looking wounded as all Hell and when he didn't rip into me like I expected the guilt I'd been feeling started to engulf my stomach.

"Fuck you Joel," Jamie said as he pushed past me. He slammed the door after himself and that was the end of the first real fight we'd ever had but it sure as Hell wasn't the last.

Yeah, I felt so guilty that I could have just shot myself in the head from it. Talking to Jamie like that, saying all those things that he didn't deserve to hear, I was such an ass. I know all he wanted was to help me and I blasted him for it. I wish I could say I'd learned my lesson and I felt terrible enough about that fight that I never treated him like that again, but like I said, it wasn't the last fight we ever had.