Relatively Dependent

Relatively Dependent - Part Twenty One - EXPLICIT CONTENT WARNING

WARNING: The following chapter contains explicit content depicting sexual abuse and may offend or upset some readers. Reader discretion is advised.

Blake and I were in our bedroom, it was one of the times when Mum was sick of us and had locked us away for a couple of days. I was peering through the gap in the lock at Mum and some of her druggie friends all crowded around the dining table. They were talking shit, drinking, smoking, to an outside eye it might've even looked normal, like friends getting together over a drink.

I didn't realise what had happened at the time, only now, only years later when I can see things for what they really are. Craig handed over some money to Mum, drug money I'd figured, but I was wrong. He handed it over and she gestured at the bedroom door, nodding along. Next thing I knew she was at the door jiggling the key in the lock and before I could back away the door swung open and knocked me off my feet. She barged into the room and it's like she was a completely different person from the one with a drink in her hand five seconds before that. She was crazed and aggressive and she grabbed Blake by the arm, yanked him off his bed and started beating the shit out of him. She didn't slap him, she didn't shove him, she curled her hand into a fist and started belting him. I'd burst into tears at the sight, I wanted to make her stop, I wanted to help Blake, but I couldn't. I'd frozen with fear and all I could do was plead with her to leave him alone while I cowered in the corner of the room.

I was terrified, helpless and then Craig came over to me with this illusion of wanting to console me.

"Come on kid," he said as he knelt down and gripped my shoulder, "you don't need to see this."

He tugged at my shoulder like he wanted me to stand and in that moment I thought he might help us, so I came to my feet and begged him to make Mum stop.

"Just give them some time to sort things out, they'll be alright," Craig said as he curled his fingers around my arm. "Lets give them some space," he said.

I was scared to go with him and afraid of leaving Blake alone with Mum, but I wasn't very good at standing up for myself back then, I kind of just went along with whatever was asked of me.

It was always the same sort of pattern with this guy. He'd find an excuse to take me to the bathroom but he was never violent with me like the other guy was. He'd say things like, "It'll make me feel better," when he wanted to play with my dick. Or, "Relax, it's okay to get hard, it means you like it and you want more." He'd always say things like, You want it, or, It'll feel good, stuff like that. I just let him touch me and when he wanted me to do it to him I did.

At that age, I didn't know I could do anything with my dick other than take a piss. When he wanted me to touch him, to get him hard, I didn't know why he wanted me to do it or what it meant. I felt like I was doing something wrong, the fact that he'd take me out of Blake's sight told me that much, but I didn't know why it was wrong.

Sometimes, that feeling that I was doing something wrong would take over and I'd feel sick to my stomach. Those were the times when I'd manage to say I didn't want to touch him, or that I wanted him to leave me alone, but it never worked. He'd tell me that if I was hard it meant I did want it. I didn't know what the Hell my body was doing, in my head I didn't feel like I was enjoying it, but yeah, my body did so I thought that maybe he was right. It was confusing and sickening and enjoyable all at once and I hated that. And it's so hard to admit this because I couldn't be more ashamed of myself for it, but I liked that he was doing something that made me feel good and that I wasn't being used as a punching bag.

I hate that I felt like that. It made it so easy for him to talk me into doing whatever he wanted. I never even put up a fight, not really. I wish I'd known what was really going on so I could've stopped him, but I didn't. Living with that fact, that I basically let this guy use me for whatever he wanted makes me sick. I have a lot of anger in me, a lot of hatred over everything that went on back then, but the amount of hate I have for myself for what went on with Craig is overwhelming.

When Will sprayed that Old Spice deodorant at me the smell of Craig came with it and it was enough to bring back the surface of his abuse. I can't even catch a whiff of that deodorant now without gagging but I don't fall apart like I did that first time. The first time something comes back is always the hardest to get past.

When the stench of that deodorant came at me it was like I'd ran into a tonne of bricks. I dropped to the floor, smacked my head on the tiles and knocked myself out for a second. Will and Jamie shit themselves, to them it was like I'd had an aneurism or something, just keeled over for no apparent reason. Will scraped me off the floor and with Jamie's help they shouldered me out of the Supermarket. Some lady that worked there followed after us, at first I'm sure she'd thought we were stealing stuff but when she got a look at me I think she realised something was wrong. Will was telling her what had happened and she kept trying to get a look at me but I kept batting her off. She tried to get me to understand that I'd hit my head and she needed to make sure I was alright but I just kept telling her to fuck off. It took a while but eventually she got sick of me swearing at her and she went back inside. Will and Jamie sat down next to me and neither of them said a word. I don't think they knew what to do, I didn't either. After a while Jamie asked me if I was alright and before I could hold it in I gave him an honest answer and said, "No."