Relatively Dependent

Relatively Dependent - Part Twenty Five

For months it was like my life was stuck on repeat. Each day was about getting wasted and nothing else. Looking back on it now it's like a blur, one day blends into the next. I spent months and months getting fucked up, trying not to remember, not to think, not to feel. I didn't have time for anyone unless they had some weed. Will didn't give a shit if I was high as a kite, he was always happy to hang out and do whatever but Jamie hated it. Every time he tried to do something with me I was high or drunk and we'd end up in a fight about it. I didn't like that I was pissing him off, that I was doing something to drive a wedge between us, but I didn't know how I'd get through the day any other way. If it was between Jamie and drugs, drugs were always going to win.

I don't really remember how things with Jamie fell apart, it wasn't one fight we had that ended everything, it was probably the culmination of all of them I guess. Eventually he stopped calling, he stopped dropping by, after a while I didn't really hear from him anymore. If I ever messaged or called him he'd still get back to me. He didn't cut me out, but somewhere along the way we both stopped making the effort and now I can't even remember the last time I saw him. I know I fucked things up there but I fucked up so badly there's no fixing it. He and I haven't spoken in so long it's like we're strangers now, never thought that'd happen with us, but it did.

I kept in touch with Will, he and I have spent a lot of time sitting around getting high together. Things with Will have always been easier than they ever were with Jamie. If I didn't get in touch with Will for a week or two he didn't care, he'd probably have been too busy getting high to notice he hadn't heard from me.

Will's a good guy, just as much as Jamie but he's about as fucked up as I am. That kid has been through an absolute horseshit of a life, getting the crap kicked out of him almost everyday for twelve or so years has left him with some hefty scars. Some days he'll be really messed up about it all, he's got a lot of anxiety issues and I mean they're way worse than mine. He's just this nervous wreck of a person who is so fucking anxious all the time unless he's high and I get it. Jamie doesn't get that stuff. Will and I can get depressed as all Hell around each other and we don't need to talk about it, we don't need to say anything, we just sit there, get high together and we get through it. I could never do that with Jamie.

After a while I stopped working, packed it in. It's hard to believe you can screw up something like washing dishes but yeah, turns out you can. One night, Charlie pulled me aside wanting to talk about my attitude, my inability to wear clean clothes and my reluctance to come to work sober. But I was so far from being in a place where I could talk about anything real that I snapped. I threw the tea towel from my shoulder to his chest and told him to go fuck himself, then I left. Employee of the year.

I started to lose control of everything in my life and at the time I really didn't care. I stopped hanging out with Jamie, I lost interest in going to any parties, all I wanted was to lose myself in a haze of smoke and a carton of beer. I honestly didn't give a shit about anything at all and that didn't change for a long time, not until about a week ago.