Relatively Dependent

Relatively Dependent - Part Fifteen

When we made it outside I could hear people on the porch chatting away and smell the smoke from their cigarettes. People talking, laughing, enjoying their drunken night, I didn't wanna' be near any of that and somehow Jamie knew. He shouldered me down the driveway until we were far enough away from the party so no one would bother us, then he sat me down on a log along the side of the driveway.

"Blake won't be far off man," Jamie said as he sat down beside me. "You right?" He asked as he gave me a thump on the back.

I can honestly say that at that point in my life I had never been worse off. I had hit rock bottom. As much as Jamie might've wanted a response from me he wasn't gunna' get one. I folded my elbows against my knees and buried my head in my hands again. I didn't wanna' talk, I didn't wanna' be comforted, I just wanted to be alone.

"So, you were doin' it with that chick were you?" Jamie started to babble on. "She was alright wasn't she?"

He babbled on like this, constantly, until Blake arrived. It was getting on my nerves and I wanted to snap at him but again, talking, that was too much of an effort for me at that point so I just let him go. The conversation seemed fairly one sided anyway and needed little input on my part so I managed to get away with just a nod here and there.

When Blake pulled up beside us I didn't know what to expect from him. Sometimes he'd be okay with me going out and getting wasted, other times I'd get a lecture. I didn't think I'd be greeted with a hi-five when he saw my shirt was covered in vomit but I couldn't bring myself to care. I just wanted to get home and go to bed.

Blake hopped out of his car as Jamie pulled me to my feet. I'm sure it was obvious I wasn't in a good way so I think that saved me from the lecture I know Blake wanted to give me.

"Joel," Blake sighed seeing the state I was in. I'm sure he was disappointed in me. He'd have assumed that I'd gotten so wasted that I vomited on myself, I didn't really care to correct him.

"Drank a bit too much didn't ya' man?" Jamie said as he gave me another one of his back slaps.

"Get that off," Blake gestured at my shirt.

I glanced down, yeah, I didn't wanna' wear a shirt covered in vomit but I didn't wanna' be naked either. I looked back over at Blake and saw he was unbuttoning his flanny so I did as I was told and took off my shirt.

"Here," Blake handed over his flanny, "put this on."

Blake was the kind of person that'd wear a shirt over a shirt. I think it's a barman thing so if you get a drink spilled on you you've got another layer on underneath. I tossed my stained shirt to the ground and put Blake's on.

"Well, don't do that, we'll take it home and wash it," Blake said as he picked my shirt up off the ground.

I didn't care if we left it there, it was just a shirt, a vomit soaked shirt that now belonged to a memory I wished I could forget.

"Where's the rest of your stuff?" Blake asked me.

"I'll drop it 'round tomorrow," Jamie said.

"You not coming with us?" Blake asked him.

"Hell no!" He turned and gestured back at the house, "I've got a girl waitin' for me in there."

As I stood there, too out of it to handle doing up the buttons on my shirt, I started to buckle. I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me. I couldn't handle standing there, listening to people being so normal when I couldn't have felt further from it. I was falling apart. Seeing Blake, having to stand there and look at him, it made things so much worse. The memory kept pushing through, wanting to play again and again. I felt like I was losing control, like I was about to break down, I just stood there and held my breath while Blake and Jamie talked like everything was normal. My nose started to prickle and my eyes started stinging with tears, I couldn't take it anymore, I tried to hold it together as long as I could but I broke. I stepped into Blake and wrapped my arms around him. He stopped talking mid-sentence. I'm sure it was a shock to be getting a hug from me since the last time we'd done that was after that big fight we'd had about School. I didn't show Blake a lot of affection anymore, as I said, things between us changed and I kept my distance from him. But yeah, that night I just fell apart and Blake was always the one that'd put me back together, I needed him to do it again.

"Bud, what's wrong?" Blake asked as he gave my back a pat.

I started crying into his chest, I couldn't hold it in. Believe me I wanted to, I just couldn't, not with those memories swirling through my head.

"You right man?" Jamie thumped at my back as well.

"What happened tonight Jamie?" Blake asked.

"Nothing, I dunno'," Jamie said, "he's been with a girl all night."

"Bud," Blake gave my back a rub, "what's wrong, what's happened?"

"I wanna' go home," I sobbed into his chest.

"Yeah, okay, let's get you home," Blake said.

He went to pull back but I didn't budge. I wanted to go home but I didn't wanna' let go of Blake. I was so fucked up. Honestly, I'd never felt so fucked up before in my life.